Oh boy...advice needed please

strwbry084 · February 2011

Hello Pittsburgh brides!

I post here on occasion, though I'm not really a "regular," I have taken lots of great ideas and advice from this board, so I trust your opinions.

I picked five wonderful ladies to be in my wedding party. I have a close friend who I did not ask, who I later found out from two of my bridesmaids, was upset that she was not asked to be in the wedding. She told my one bridesmaid that she was not going to come to the wedding, and that she wished I had discussed it with her (ie, telling her that she wasn't in the wedding or why.) I never discussed it with her because I thought it would be a terrible thing to do - to sit her down and try to explain why she wasn't in the wedding. I would never do that to a friend.

I thought this had all blown over, as I have seen this friend numerous times since then and everything has been fine. Well...no. My friend approached another one of my bridesmaids and said that she was no longer upset, wanted to come to the wedding, but wanted to talk to me about it because she didn't want things to be awkward.

Here's my real issue: I realized a few months back that I really messed up, and I want this girl to be in the wedding. Not because she was upset that she wasn't asked, but because I truly want her up there. She's a great friend. But I haven't asked her because I didn't want it to look like I was asking her for the wrong reasons/a pity invite. I was hoping it would all just go away. But since it's not going to, I need to reach out to her.

What would you do? Should I explain to her that I was an idiot and have realized that I want her up there with me now and ask her to be a BM? Should I try and talk to her about it but not ask? I'm totally lost, and need some unbiased opinions. Help?

Edit - I know the Wedding Party board might be a better place for this question, but they tend to get a little crazy over there....

lindsaystewart6 · February 2011

IMO, I would let it go. If she was upset before that you didn't ask her, just think how she would feel to be a "second thought" bridesmaid. If she already said that she wasn't upset about it anymore, I would leave it at that and let it go. She will be at the wedding so she will still be there to share in your special day, without feeling like the kid who gets picked last for dodgeball.

pantherRN · February 2011

I think that any sort of invite at this point is going to look like a pity invite or second thought invite.

Are you having a ceremony that needs readers? If so, she could still be involved that way without getting a pity invite. If not, I would just let it go. I think it would be uncomfortable to sit down and talk to her.

Ash2985 · February 2011

Ditto PPs, I'd just let it go. I wouldn't bring it up because I don't think there's any way to make it seem like it's not a second thought kind of thing.

sarilynnep · February 2011

I agree that no matter what you say and how you phrase it, it's still going to look like a pity invite. In my opinion, if she hadn't made any fuss about it at all and just stayed silent about it, then you wouldn't have an issue asking her and it wouldn't look like a pity invite. So in a way, I feel like she sorta shot herself in the foot.

I have to say that I also find it a bit strange that she wants to talk about it... I don't know if I have ever heard someone want to discuss why they weren't in a wedding.... However, I obviously don't know the details of your relationship. If she is dead set on discussing it, then just be honest and tell her that you would love to have her as a bridesmaid, but you feel that asking her at this point just looks like a pity invite, and you don't want that for her. Then you can see where the conversation goes from there.

However, if you decide not to have her in the wedding, I would just explain that you would have loved to have her in the wedding, but your fiance only had 5 people, or you just didn't want a bigger wedding party... Then you can explain why you chose the other bridesmaids (ex- she's in my family, she's been here since kindergarten, etc) but that you don't think of her as any less of a friend than the others. Then maybe follow PantherRN's advice and have her do something else in the wedding. Personally, at this point I think that is what I would do. And quite frankly, even if you want her in the wedding now, you obviously chose the other girls first for a reason, and your friend knows this, even if she does end up being in the wedding.

cgyvhu · February 2011

I'd invite her to be a reader. If you already have readers, I would just let her be a guest. While it sounds like your heart is in the right place, I think it would look like a pity invite.

strwbry084 · February 2011

Thanks everyone. I agree with you all and am feeling better about the situation. We will need readers....that's a good idea.

jlbaxter33 · February 2011

I'm just checking in and I didn't read others responses, but this happened to my BFF. She left one girl out of the bridal party and I told her that I thought it was a mistake. After I made the bride feel like crap (and me) I let it go and she called our friend and asked her to do a reading. Well, after the shower, my friend realized that she made a huge mistake so she called the girl apologized profusely and told her that she made a big mistake and couldn't imagine her wedding without her in it. She said she understood if she didn't want to be in it but would be honored if she'd consider it. In the end the girl was in the bridal party and it was a fantastic decision.

I'd apologize like crazy and ask the girl to be in your wedding!

Oh boy...advice needed please

Re: Oh boy...advice needed please

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