Dear Prudence,
About eight days ago, my wife of 10 years dropped a bombshell on me.
She told me, in the interest of not hiding, that she has had feelings for a few men the last few years, but hasn’t acted on them. One of the men is a mutual friend. I’ve already suspected there are feelings between them; we go through the same gym, they are in a run club together, and she talks about him too much. But I believe that nothing happened.
Obviously, that night I was quite upset and disappointed, but besides losing my appetite and skipping dinner, I did not react. However, my wife and I know each other’s phone access PINs and use each other’s phones with no restrictions. While she slept, I looked into her messages and discovered the emotional affair between them. They share their feelings mutually, and I discovered that she had lied just two days prior. They met up, and she lied about meeting another girlfriend. What’s worse is that that night was about two weeks into a sensitive moment in our relationship; we had been stressed about her mum’s visit and I was also facing burnout at work.
I confronted her the next morning, and she didn’t deny it. She told me it has been an intense two or three weeks between them, but that there is nothing physical, no kissing, etc. I believe her because they only meet up to run, and I am mostly aware of all her locations. So, I crumbled and had a few meltdowns over the next few days. I texted the guy to back off, cut all communication with my wife, and I said that if he doesn’t, I will take action. He’s a married man as well.
When we calmed down enough to talk, my wife said she might be suitable for a polyamory relationship and has the capacity to love more people than just me. She indicated she would like to keep the relationship with this man and asked if I could accept it, while giving her time to let them figure it out. It is so wrong on so many levels, a betrayal of my trust, and she has the gall to be angry that I messaged him to back off. She’s also asking if we can all maintain the status quo even after it’s all been revealed. I am at a loss. I love her dearly, and it’s our 10-year anniversary in October. I’m devastated. She’s asked for space to figure out what she wants. I want her back and am willing to work on trust issues, but the affair has to stop.
—Devastated Husband