Dear Prudence,
An old friend, “Valerie,” recently said something that’s left me reeling. I sent her a song just released by an artist we both love, with the message, “This is such a bop, have you heard it yet?” (It’s normal for us to send each other music, by the way.)
She sent back, “Wow … surprised you like this! It’s kinda our song!” The song is called “Brutus,” and the music video has one woman jealously longing for another’s life, while the lyrics talk about how she feels like Brutus to this woman’s Caesar. “If I’m speaking honestly, I wish I had your life” is a line in the chorus. I asked Valerie what she meant and which of us she thought was “Brutus.” She laughed-reacted, then got annoyed when I sincerely didn’t know, and said she knows I’ve “always been jealous” of her. I said this simply wasn’t true and asked why she thought that, and got a dismissive/condescending response reiterating that it was “obvious” I would “kill for [her] life.”
For context, Valerie was popular in high school, while I was quieter and more nerdy. She was sporty and always had a boyfriend, while I was a closeted lesbian and didn’t get outdoors much. We met in an art club and got close anyway. We’re in our late 20s now. It truly hadn’t occurred to me to compare our lives in this way, but since she’s made it relevant: I’m happily married and in a great job with good pay, while she’s just out of a messy divorce from her high school boyfriend (they both cheated) and getting back into the workforce after years as a stay-at-home mom. I have never in my life been jealous of her, but I find it a particularly insulting comment at this exact moment! My wife has never liked Valerie and says she seems very insecure, which I’d have sympathy for if she hadn’t made this horrible comment to me and doubled down on it. I actually can’t believe someone would say this! I haven’t spoken to her in days and don’t know what to say. Can you advise on how best to move on from this, if I can? I’ve resisted saying a lot of very insulting things to Valerie in response, but it’s tempting.