He's their dad...

Re: He's their dad...

• banana468 member

  

  August 7

  You divorced their father.  They did not divorce their father.
  
  What you're asking is not fair and you need serious therapy.  You made a choice to end a relationship with a person who was unfaithful and suffering from alcoholism and that makes plenty of sense.  But you're also asking as part of this divorce decree for your children to have cut him off  and that sounds unreasonable.  Be careful for what you wish for because while he may have been the worse parent on paper, if he's not setting these expectations for your sons, they may not pan out.
  
  Please seek a great therapist to help unpack this and cope with untangling that mess.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  August 7

  Nothing says "good mother" quite like threatening to cut your kids out of your life if they insist on having a relationship with their other parent. 
  
  Just let them go. They're better off without you. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  August 7

  Divorce can be painful and hard with the best of situations and this isn’t that. But you divorced their dad, he is still their father. You have to separate your feelings for him from your feelings for them. They don’t know the details or the pain or what happened in your marriage and they shouldn’t. Get therapy to help you move forward because cutting your kids off isn’t it. 

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• ei34 member

  

  August 8

  Your exH sounds like he was a terrible spouse, but your sons weren’t married to him.  You’re entitled to go low contact but you can’t dictate their reaction to him. Giving them an ultimatum will not go your way. 

  
  

  Look, my kids don’t know the worst of exH’s behaviors. I’ll be horrified if they become adults who do some of the things he did to their future partners. But if I try to keep them from him now, I’m the one they’ll resent someday. (Not touching the fact that he often chooses to not see them during his time now. He’s really missing out.) 
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  August 8

  ei34 said:

  Your exH sounds like he was a terrible spouse, but your sons weren’t married to him.  You’re entitled to go low contact but you can’t dictate their reaction to him. Giving them an ultimatum will not go your way. 

  
  

  Look, my kids don’t know the worst of exH’s behaviors. I’ll be horrified if they become adults who do some of the things he did to their future partners. But if I try to keep them from him now, I’m the one they’ll resent someday. (Not touching the fact that he often chooses to not see them during his time now. He’s really missing out.) 
  

  
  Some people make the mistake of venting to their children about the other parent, when that person is an ex.  Sometimes it can't be helped that children will know about bad behavior, especially when they witness it themselves.  But bad mouthing the other parent usually hurts the kids far more than it does the other person.
  
  Even when they are adults.  When I was dating him, my ex-bf's (R) dad left his mom.  R was in his mid 20s.  His mother was more sad than angry, but inappropriately shared some of the angst she'd had throughout the marriage.  Like how the dad had been a serial cheater the first few years they were married.  That had happened over 20 years earlier and R didn't need to hear any of that or the other negative things she shared.  It caused him to feel hurt and upset.  At his dad's actions, but also annoyed at his mom for telling him in the first place. 

  

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• levioosa member

  

  August 8

  short+sassy said:

  ei34 said:

  Your exH sounds like he was a terrible spouse, but your sons weren’t married to him.  You’re entitled to go low contact but you can’t dictate their reaction to him. Giving them an ultimatum will not go your way. 

  
  

  Look, my kids don’t know the worst of exH’s behaviors. I’ll be horrified if they become adults who do some of the things he did to their future partners. But if I try to keep them from him now, I’m the one they’ll resent someday. (Not touching the fact that he often chooses to not see them during his time now. He’s really missing out.) 
  

  
  Some people make the mistake of venting to their children about the other parent, when that person is an ex.  Sometimes it can't be helped that children will know about bad behavior, especially when they witness it themselves.  But bad mouthing the other parent usually hurts the kids far more than it does the other person.
  
  Even when they are adults.  When I was dating him, my ex-bf's (R) dad left his mom.  R was in his mid 20s.  His mother was more sad than angry, but inappropriately shared some of the angst she'd had throughout the marriage.  Like how the dad had been a serial cheater the first few years they were married.  That had happened over 20 years earlier and R didn't need to hear any of that or the other negative things she shared.  It caused him to feel hurt and upset.  At his dad's actions, but also annoyed at his mom for telling him in the first place. 

  As the child of two people who should have divorced, and whose parents were constantly bad mouthing each other to me as the primary therapy point of contact, even as a very young child, can 100% confirm it is a toxic awful thing to do. Sure, you could argue that my intuition and discernment of people and their behavior as an adult is a positive result of the trauma, but I would have much rather had a healthy loving family, or fuck, man, just two parents who divorced and went on to find better fitting partners without constantly bitching. Kids aren't dumb. They'll figure out their parents are human eventually. But you don't need to trauma dump on them to create some sort of a weird toxic bond. 
  
  You're a great mom @ei34 and I know it must be so hard to bite your tongue sometimes. You're doing a great job at being a supportive parent. 

  
  

  
  

  

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