Let them be mad

Re: Let them be mad

• levioosa member

  

  August 7

  Oof. This is the kind of thing people will never get over. And honestly...you're doing way too much for this man. YOU reimbursed them for the cake? And you MADE him write a letter of apology? What was he doing then? Seems like you're still cleaning up all of his mess and he's basically taking no real responsibility for this event. And if I had to guess, this is just another example of him acting out of pocket and it happened on a (hopefully) once in a life time event and people are just over it. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• banana468 member

  

  August 7

  The way the LW writes this letter it seems to be so flippant that her husband and potentially alcoholism are entirely to blame for destroying a key moment in a couple's life.  Cutting the wedding cake is a major moment in a wedding reception to the point that people buy special cake cutters for it and it's a photographed moment.
  
  "Somehow ended up falling into it"  WTF.  
  
  IMO, you don't just reimburse them for the cake which is at minimum what you do when you destroy something.  You ruined a key moment.
  
  Two things here - look at your husband and his behavior.  Is this one more thing in a string of things where he's destroying events and you're grabbing the frosting to sugar coat it??   He needs way less enabling and mothering from you and some serious consequences.
  
  And I'd probably do just that.  Buy them a new cake in the flavor they want and offer to either hire a photographer or take pictures.  You can't get the moment back but own that the reason it doesn't exist for your sister is coming from inside your house.

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• banana468 member

  

  August 8

  I also think Prudie's response misses A LOT of the mark:
  
  

  I really wish everyone could embrace the idea that weddings aren’t supposed to be perfect. It would eliminate so much angst. We all know that when you invite your friends and family with their various quirks and issues into the same room together and give them alcohol, things happen. Inappropriate outfits are worn, strange comments are made, and speeches include TMI moments and embarrassing tangents. And yes, occasionally, something more dramatic takes place, like someone chooses the moment to propose and steals attention from the couple, or a man collides with the cake. It’s a departure from the plan, but at the end of the day, the married people are married, they are surrounded by loved ones, and everything is fine.

  But that advice is for your sister and brother-in-law, not for you and your husband. You’ve handled this unfortunate incident perfectly, and now you should give them space to decide if they can get over it. It’s worth reflecting on whether the wedding incident was a last straw (has your husband been trashed every time he socializes with them? Did he also pass out and crash into the balloon arch at the bride’s 30th birthday?) and if he needs to work on his drinking or unruly behavior. If not, and if it was truly just a one-off freak accident, accept that they’re mad and wish them luck with their marriage from afar. They’ll need luck because if they can’t lighten up about something like a cake collapse, life’s actual challenges are going to be a lot for them to handle.

  
  

  The couple can together decide that they are moving beyond an event in their reception while still finding that the behavior of those who caused it is totally repugnant and without a lot of remorse.    
  

  
  

  Also, getting drunk and falling into the cake is something she described as an accident.  The accident would be if the H spilled a drink and Auntie Mildred  cha cha slid into it as she slipped on the dance floor.  Then Auntie Mildred isn't to blame and it's unfortunate circumstances.  This was the result of CHOICES to consume more than his liver could process making him incapable of controlling his actions.    

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• downtondiva member

  

  August 8

  While it's true that you can't expect a wedding to be absolutely perfect in every way, somebody getting so drunk that they destroy the wedding cake is a big thing to expect anyone to get over. That's ruining a significant part of the event right there. Your sister and her husband cannot ever get that moment back, and I think you should accept that you can't fix it and they're going to stay mad.

  
  

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