Eh, he asked you

Casadena · August 14

Dear Prudence,

My brother has not gotten over his ex-wife, even though they divorced five years ago. Other than him not living in the marital home, nothing has changed. He goes on vacation with his ex and their kids, to the zoo and museums, and often comes over for dinner. And he pays for everything. He takes the kids while his ex goes out and has fun with her many boyfriends. He claims he is doing it “for the kids,” when it is obvious to anyone with eyes that he wants to play family with his ex.

This enmeshment has led to him having a serious string of failed relationships. The last breakup left him very confused and bitter because he was talking about moving in with and getting married to her. Except, on the weekend of her birthday, he sprang on her that his ex was joining them on their trip to the lake with the kids. His ex let herself into the apartment while his girlfriend went on a jog. His girlfriend broke up with him. My brother has gone on and on about how he couldn’t understand why she broke up with him. My brother asked my opinion, and I told him I would give it to him if he really wanted, but that he wouldn’t like it. He told me to go ahead. I told him he didn’t have any business dating because he still acted like he was married, and any sane woman wouldn’t stand for being fourth or fifth in his list of priorities.

He tried to argue with me, and I pointed out that in college, he dumped his girlfriend over a similar issue—her ex was hanging around all the time. He didn’t have anything to say to that and just got up and left the room. Since then, he has been ignoring my calls, and I’m wondering whether I should let it go or not. I love my brother. I want him to be happy, but these past few years have made me lose a lot of respect for him. His ex walks over him, and he simply asks if she wants to wipe her feet again.

—Brother to a Doormat

downtondiva · August 15

If he didn't want the answer then he shouldn't have asked the question. You didn't do anything wrong.

ei34 · August 15

LW gave an honest opinion and it was shut down, so that’s his cue to let it go (in his words). LW’s concern for his brother also reads as judgy towards his exSIL, so I definitely think butting out and finding another family dynamic to focus on would be heathy.

charlotte989875 · August 15

Butt out. He did ask, and you answered, and this is the result.

But also- some of what you’re judging him for is probably right, but I’d also want to know how old are the kids, how often is the out of line stuff (like letting herself into the apartment) happening.

It sounds like brother isn’t bringing the GFs into the conversation about what the family dynamic and set up is and that’s the problem, not that they’re still close. I think it’s great if they can be civil and travel together, have shared parties and vacations, politely swap child care- but only if all parties are on board and feel like they have a voice in this arrangement.

banana468 · August 15

Yeah, your brother didn't want to hear it.

But you're spot on. I would not be OK being with someone and having their ex having the ability to get into our home. He needs to figure out his priorities and shouldn't date if he's not able to be over her.

MyNameIsNot · August 15

charlotte989875 said:

Butt out. He did ask, and you answered, and this is the result.

But also- some of what you’re judging him for is probably right, but I’d also want to know how old are the kids, how often is the out of line stuff (like letting herself into the apartment) happening.

It sounds like brother isn’t bringing the GFs into the conversation about what the family dynamic and set up is and that’s the problem, not that they’re still close. I think it’s great if they can be civil and travel together, have shared parties and vacations, politely swap child care- but only if all parties are on board and feel like they have a voice in this arrangement.

Yes! It's not a bad thing for divorced parents to continue to do these things together with the kids. It reinforces that the marriage dissolved, not the entire family, and sets the parents up to stay a united front. Obviously it doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes marriages fail and people can still be close.

LW is seeing this from the outside, and with the judgy tone toward the exSIL, I wonder if they might be making some assumptions or exaggerations. Or maybe not, but they've said their piece and it's time to move on anyway.

Eh, he asked you

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