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Just keep saying no

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My brother-in-law lives next door to me and my partner (his brother). I cook a lot and keep our small kitchen pretty well-stocked. My issue is that BIL frequently asks to use/borrow my kitchen stuff—anything from an onion to my $400 stand mixer. Recently, he got annoyed with me because I wouldn’t loan him my stand mixer on short notice for a dinner party that I was not invited to, and I didn’t feel comfortable not being present. My partner says his brother expects that we should “be a community and share things,” and he doesn’t know what to do about it. And sure, I sometimes borrow the garden rake in the shared garage, but when I need an onion, I go to the grocery store that is five minutes away. I’m definitely extra grumpy because my BIL is much more well-off than me, and my nice things (like the stand mixer) are mostly Christmas gifts from my mom. But I have no idea how to start a conversation about expectations on sharing when he already seems so entitled.

—Caring But Not Sharing

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Re: Just keep saying no

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is he not returning them, returning them broken, or otherwise impacting your ability to use them? If so then yes say- “I’m sorry, but the last time you borrowed he mixer I had to get it repaired so I can’t lend it to you again”.

    However- if it’s just that he has more money- then this feels a little curmudgeonly. If he only needs a stand mixer once a year why buy one himself? And why would you be invited to every dinner party he hosts? I think if people want community then you need to participate in it too. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I only loan out things I can easily replace if they're returned broken or not returned at all.  On my current budget, replacing my stand mixer would not be easy.  Because of my past, I no longer loan out loved books.  So no, I won't loan my stand mixer out to anyone.  I make it clear, it's not person X that's the issue, it's ME and MY circumstances.

    LW doesn't want to loan it out.  No matter their reasons, the answer was no and a complete sentence.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think this falls somewhere in the middle. Like if I’m not using the onion, sure, have at it and pick one up for me the next time you’re at a store. LW could chill a little, but it also sounds like BIL is a little entitled. But I had the same situation happen with my stand mixer and BIL. He wanted to borrow it to make mashed potatoes for thanksgiving. It’s expensive, and I didn’t have faith that he would know how to use it and also not overload the motor since he was planning on making a big batch. The stand mixer is huge and transporting it back and forth sounded ridiculous. I did offer my hand mixer because if that was broken I'd be disappointed but it would be much cheaper to replace (also it would do the job just fine) but he said no and acted like I was being stingy. Okay bro. 


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think there's also the question of how often are you reciprocating.  Take the onion, borrow the mixer?  Sure.  Is the mixer returned with bread/yeast crud in the side and there's no bag of onions for a TY?  At some point you can start to feel like you're tired of feeling like you live in a communal dwelling. 
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