Just don't go

Casadena · August 14

Dear Prudence,

A dear friend of 10+ years just recently announced her engagement, and I am thrilled for her! She has wanted this for a long time and it was a little challenging getting to this point, but I’m confident they’ll be very happy together and I’ve always thought her fiancé was a good fit. My dilemma is she just texted me to hold a specific month next year for her wedding and oh my god, the details gave me full body chills.

When I say destination I mean DESTINATION—minimum 20 hours travel (likely more), two or three flights, and $1000+ airfare per person. I would have to go alone because my husband’s work is seasonally driven and the chosen month is the most important of his year—we never travel during that month. Another complicating factor is we are planning to start trying for a baby soon and fingers crossed I will be too pregnant to travel internationally, particularly as this destination has endemic viruses that are highly dangerous for pregnant women and fetuses.

However, I would rather not share anything about our fertility plans with my friend yet. We are good friends, but I’m generally private and haven’t disclosed our specific family planning decisions to anyone except my therapist and my sister. And I know becoming pregnant is no guarantee, so I don’t want to have to tell people our plans then have them anxiously awaiting (and inquiring about) news if it doesn’t come.

So, I’ve decided not to tell her I almost certainly can’t go (for pregnancy and/or expense and logistical reasons). But I feel guilty whenever we talk about the wedding (which is not infrequently—she’s naturally excited and I am for her as well!). It feels like I am lying by omission, but my husband says when we get a formal invitation we will know whether or not I’m pregnant and hopefully it’ll be an easy excuse. I expect it to be much harder on our friendship if I am not pregnant and still do not attend, which also makes me nervous.

What say you? Should I let her know now I probably can’t go because of the distance, or should I hold my tongue? It doesn’t help that I am taking a vacation to a destination that is similarly far soon, so she knows I’m not unwilling to travel—but that’s for a three-week vacation we saved for (our last pre-baby hurrah), not a solo journey to a wedding over at most five days because I’ve used all my work leave!

VarunaTT · August 14

Stop planning for trouble. It's a year away. You and your hubby need to continue on with your plans and see if an invitation even shows up. Destination weddings get (IMHO) cutthroat with guest lists, so it might not even happen.

ei34 · August 15

Yeah, this is a lot of cart before the horse. And even when the invitation comes…people decline wedding invitations (faraway destination weddings in particular) with frequency. Relax.

levioosa · August 15

If you're super close you can let her know logistically it's a tough month and you will try to make it but it's likely with work schedules it may not align. She may need to hear from multiple VIPs (if you are one of those) that her plans may not be feasible if she wants them in attendance. But it is a little early to make so many assumptions.

banana468 · August 15

Oh FFS this is nuts.

20 hours of travel??

Rip of the band aid and be a good friend. Tell her you can't make a firm decision yet but at the preliminary estimates of time and the year this is likely outside your budget and you would be sending your best wishes.

We need to reframe the guilt people feel at telling others no when the ask is a master manipulation.

Casadena · August 15

banana468 said:

Oh FFS this is nuts.

20 hours of travel??

Rip of the band aid and be a good friend. Tell her you can't make a firm decision yet but at the preliminary estimates of time and the year this is likely outside your budget and you would be sending your best wishes.

We need to reframe the guilt people feel at telling others no when the ask is a master manipulation.

This exactly. I cannot stand this type of thing and feel no guilt whatsoever saying no to things that too difficult logistically/outside my comfort zone/not interesting to me but are optional/etc. you dont' HAVE to go to their wedding just becuase you're friends, and reasonable people will expect that. (realize not all ppl are reasonable, especially around weddings)

banana468 · August 15

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

Oh FFS this is nuts.

20 hours of travel??

Rip of the band aid and be a good friend. Tell her you can't make a firm decision yet but at the preliminary estimates of time and the year this is likely outside your budget and you would be sending your best wishes.

We need to reframe the guilt people feel at telling others no when the ask is a master manipulation.

This exactly. I cannot stand this type of thing and feel no guilt whatsoever saying no to things that too difficult logistically/outside my comfort zone/not interesting to me but are optional/etc. you dont' HAVE to go to their wedding just becuase you're friends, and reasonable people will expect that. (realize not all ppl are reasonable, especially around weddings)

It took me getting older to get to that point. But no, I'm not going to feel bad when you asked a lot and I told you no.

short+sassy · August 21

There's no reason the LW even needs to think about telling the friend about the family planning.

I think she should hint to her friend that she probably won't be able to attend. There are a plethora of reasons for that. If she "takes it hard", oh well. Then she shouldn't get married across the Pacific Ocean (I'm guessing). Maybe if the friend gets enough "eehhh, I may not/can't go responses", they will re-think their PITA destination.

Just don't go

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