Dear Prudence,
My biological dad is dying, and I’m not sure how to feel or what to do. He, by all accounts, was a terrible father. He never physically abused any of us, but he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, secretive, and vindictive. I’m 33, my sister is 35, about 15 years ago, we cut off all contact with him. He would send us birthday and Christmas gifts, albeit not thoughtful ones (we always got the exact same gift). In our youth, he would always talk about visiting us, but rarely did. On the few occasions he did make it out west to see us, we would end up arguing or silenced and feeling bad for it. So we eventually decided it wasn’t worth it and just stopped talking to him.
To be honest, my relationship with him as a child was much better than my sisters. She went so far as to change her last name because of the pain he had caused her. My sister is incredibly strong, and with the help of therapy she has worked through a lot of the trauma he caused us and her. Regardless, she still doesn’t want to talk to him and neither do I. Even though he never treated me as badly as he treated her, I absolutely adore my sister and will defend her to my dying day.
There is no way I can make amends with him if she can’t. I just can’t do that to her. And I don’t think I want to make amends with him. But he’s dying, and I know it’s my last chance to say something. I’m just not sure what to do. Please help!
—Difficult and Confusing Time