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Wedding Woes

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Dear Prudence,

I am at the end of my rope when it comes to my 12-year-old daughter. She is in the middle of a growth spurt but refuses to try on new clothes or shoes when we are shopping. She will just grab items and insist that they fit her and will throw a fit if I tell her she has to try them on first. I had to drag her out of a shoe store because she started to yell at me to buy her some sandals that were two sizes too small for her. My ex took her clothes shopping and we ended up having to take everything back, because nothing fit her! She couldn’t even zip up the jeans he bought her or get the blouse over her head. It is ridiculous.

My daughter is rail thin but shoots up in height. I told my daughter that this is natural and normal and she can talk to me about anything if she has questions. She insists there is nothing wrong. She started her period six months ago and handled it without a blip. She has had weird fixations in the past, like insisting she can only wear this one sundress and not any others or crying when we had to throw away her falling apart sneakers. And this wasn’t when she was very little but rather in third and fourth grade. I really thought she would grow out of this once she started middle school. It has gotten to the point that I am ready to throw on the towel and just get her sweats and crocs for school because I know at least they will fit her.

Re: Order online

  • So your tween daughter is acting weird about her body changing? Gee, I'm sure that's never happened to anyone else.

    Talk to her, don't tell her she can talk to you and expect her to articulate complicate feelings that she probably doesn't understand. 
  • Talk to your child.  

    There's a VERY STRONG likelihood that a 12 pubescent child is not going to be comfortable clothes shopping with her dad.

    So look for stuff with her online that you think works.

    My general mode is to buy most things online but shoes you need to try on for sneakers and major stuff.  We can belt pants but feet are less forgiving with blisters.

    This could mean she needs a therapist to work through issues if there's serious body dysmorphia but if not, maybe just a mom to help her through this would be good. 
  • @banana468 - What makes you read LW as a man? The ex is referred to as a man, but I'm not getting either way from LW. 
  • @MyNameIsNot I should have specified that I think the LW is likely the child's mother.  And in this navigation the logistics are secondary to needing the mom to be more supportive and understanding.  I remember having to go shopping with my dad when my mom was busy (my parents are married 48 yrs) but I wanted that time to be as quick as possible.  There was no try on clothing at 12 in front of my dad.  It would have been painful for all involved.

    But it seems like there's serious issues going on if the daughter is wanting shoes that are too small.  And it makes me wonder what else is going on that a therapist needs to work through.  Wanting to cling to a past phase is something I've seen in people who have experienced trauma. 
  • There are SO many other ways to handle this. Talk to your kid. Figure out what stores have good return policies (like the kind you can drop off at UPS without having to print labels). Talk to your kid. 

    If she’s open- do measurements and figure out her sizing (like literally just natural waist, chest, inseam- don’t tell her the numbers). Talk to your kid. Bodies changes, sizes are nonsense, she needs to wear something. 

    Look at clothes online- buy a bunch and let her try them on at home. With tv or music or something relaxing. Order some for yourself and do it with her. Or an aunt or cousin or literally anyone but her Dad. 

    But also- talk to her. Sure maybe “nothings wrong” but also having a meltdown at a store, while not totally uncommon problem means she deeply uncomfortable with some part of what was going on. 


  • Um....fixating on these items in the past is a red flag for a mental health issue.  LW is, unintentionally hopefully, torturing her daughter.  Daughter needs some therapy and tests to determine what's going on.
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