What does your H say about all this?

Casadena · September 12

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with my husband for about a year, and we moved to Sweden about six months ago. He was born and raised in Sweden but moved to the U.S. for university 25 years ago. I don’t speak Swedish well, but I was able to find a job where I can work entirely in English, and it is quite easy to get around day-to-day with English. Even so, I’ve been taking Swedish classes in the evening after work, even before our move. I enjoy the classes, do all the homework, order in Swedish at restaurants, etc.

While I’m enjoying getting better at the language, I’m running into problems at events for my husband’s family. While they’re all fluent in English, they prefer to speak in Swedish. I completely understand that! Swedish is the language of their family—I wouldn’t expect them to switch to English at every event just for me. I can listen and catch the gist of 70 percent of what they’re saying, but speaking is still very difficult for me. I’ve asked if they can speak Swedish, and I can respond in English until my Swedish is actually intelligible, but they declined that option. They said it’s hard to switch back and forth between English and Swedish, which I do understand. My strategy now is just trying my best to listen and understand everything, but I mostly stay quiet unless I can use my basic Swedish to add something to the conversation. I’m genuinely trying my best to speak up when I can, but I don’t want to detour a conversation while I slowly and incorrectly say something, and then everyone spends five minutes trying to figure out what I meant. Sometimes my husband translates for me, but I can’t always hang at his side and keep him from doing his own thing.

Some members of my husband’s family have told him that they find me distant and wish I would try harder to communicate with them. I recognize that I haven’t gotten to know them well and haven’t opened up a lot to them, but I feel like they’re not giving me a lot of grace with the language learning. I wasn’t great with languages when I took them in high school—languages just aren’t a talent of mine. I know there’s more one could always do to learn a language more quickly, but I have a busy job, my preexisting hobbies, and am trying to build a social life. Do you have any advice? Not for language learning tips, I get so many of those, but for strategies to be at events with my husband’s family and not seem aloof until my Swedish is better. I feel a bit crazy, like my in-laws think most people would be fluent in Swedish after a year of evening classes. I know that’s not true because my teachers have laughed at that timeline, but it feels like that’s what’s expected of me.

MyNameIsNot · September 12

What did your husband say to his family members when they told him that? If the response was anything other than "she is still learning Swedish and isn't really comfortable speaking. Since you're fluent in English, try chatting with her in English," you have a husband problem.

But also, his family sounds rude AF. I’ve asked if they can speak Swedish, and I can respond in English until my Swedish is actually intelligible, but they declined that option. WTF? That's exactly what I do with my in-laws.

levioosa · September 12

They sound like a bunch of assholes.

short+sassy · September 12

Ooohhh. It's "hard" to switch languages like that? Is it? Is it really?

Because that's not the impression I've had from the many people I have known who speak at least two languages.

Wow. They would rather she struggle for five minutes trying to think of the right words. Then accuse her of being "distant", when they are downright unfriendly AHs.

I dated a guy for two years whose native language was Spanish, though he was born in the US. He didn't learn how to speak English until he started kindergarten because his parents only spoke Spanish at home.

Fast forward 20 years and he's in his mid 20s, along with myself. His parents can now speak English fluently also. I think his dad had always been bilingual, but his mom wasn't when he was a little kid.

They usually spoke in English when I was there. According to my b/f, they sometimes had conversations in English if I wasn't there but usually spoke in Spanish. It also wasn't unusual for them to have brief conversations in Spanish in front of me and that was fine. They never pressured me to learn Spanish, but loved it when I tried. Patient and encouraging. Happy to help me with words I didn't know.

But I noticed they always threw in English words when they spoke in Spanish and vice versa. I asked them about it once. They didn't realize they did it and had to think about "why". The conclusion they all came to is when speaking Spanish, sometimes English has a more accurate word. When it does, they use the English word. When speaking English, sometimes Spanish has a more accurate word.

That is how EASILY they switched from one language to another, even within the same sentence. And didn't even notice they did it until I asked about it.

ILoveBeachMusic · September 13

I agree, his family is a bunch of AHs. I've been studying Italian for 12+ years. When I am around native Italian speakers, they often switch back in forth between English and Italian mid sentence without any problems. They are wanting to make sure I understand. I am not fluent by any means mostly because I don't have the opportunity to speak Italian often. Swedish is also a very difficult language. To expect LW to be able to carry on a conversation after only one year is unreasonable.

MyNameIsNot · September 15

short+sassy said:

Ooohhh. It's "hard" to switch languages like that? Is it? Is it really?

Because that's not the impression I've had from the many people I have known who speak at least two languages.

Wow. They would rather she struggle for five minutes trying to think of the right words. Then accuse her of being "distant", when they are downright unfriendly AHs.

I dated a guy for two years whose native language was Spanish, though he was born in the US. He didn't learn how to speak English until he started kindergarten because his parents only spoke Spanish at home.

Fast forward 20 years and he's in his mid 20s, along with myself. His parents can now speak English fluently also. I think his dad had always been bilingual, but his mom wasn't when he was a little kid.

They usually spoke in English when I was there. According to my b/f, they sometimes had conversations in English if I wasn't there but usually spoke in Spanish. It also wasn't unusual for them to have brief conversations in Spanish in front of me and that was fine. They never pressured me to learn Spanish, but loved it when I tried. Patient and encouraging. Happy to help me with words I didn't know.

But I noticed they always threw in English words when they spoke in Spanish and vice versa. I asked them about it once. They didn't realize they did it and had to think about "why". The conclusion they all came to is when speaking Spanish, sometimes English has a more accurate word. When it does, they use the English word. When speaking English, sometimes Spanish has a more accurate word.

That is how EASILY they switched from one language to another, even within the same sentence. And didn't even notice they did it until I asked about it.

This is exactly how my husband and most of his cousins talk. They're all bilingual and have been since birth or childhood. Their conversations are all spanglish. They just pick whatever word from whichever language fits best in the context. It's a ton of fun to listen to.

What does your H say about all this?

Re: What does your H say about all this?

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