LEt them be mad

Casadena · September 12

Dear Prudence,

I am in my late 50s, as is my wife of one year. We’ve both been married twice before and have children from those marriages. I had a son with my first wife and two daughters with my second wife. My daughters have met my new wife, but my son (who lives overseas) has not. Nor has he met either of my wife’s children, both of whom are adults. My son is getting married later this year. He has invited my wife and I to the wedding but has not invited my wife’s children. She is upset about this as are her two children. They want to attend the wedding and are demanding an invitation.

I personally believe they are only interested in attending because the wedding is to take place in France, where my son resides. They were uninterested in the wedding until they learned I was paying for my daughters to attend. Now they want “equal rights” and are demanding I pay for them to attend as well. I am unsure how to proceed. My son isn’t particularly interested in meeting his step-siblings, who showed no interest in either him or his sisters until the possibility of this trip came up. My wife says that if her children are not welcome at the wedding it is a sign that I am not interested in bonding our families. This is quite true: I am not. Neither of her children has been particularly welcoming to either myself or my children, and their talk about the wedding revolves around how many side trips to Paris or Provence they might be able to take. If this were your situation what would you do?

—Do Stepchildren Need to Be Invited to a Wedding?

banana468 · September 12

ESH.

Do I think the LW is entirely wrong? No. Do I think he needs to pay for the wife's kids? No. But it's also weird to marry someone and find out that your adult kidsd aren't invited. They don't have to be but there's something odd if your answer to your wife is that you aren't interested in bonding the families.

There's a lack of communication here that needs to be resolved or this 3rd marriage is not going to last by the time of the son's.

MyNameIsNot · September 12

By wife number 3 you should be better at recognizing the red flags before you make it legal. They aren't invited; they have no business asking you for anything.

It's really not unreasonable to expect that your separate sets of adult children may not want to bond and become a family in this situation. This should have been something you talked about with your wife long ago, but she's completely unreasonable to expect you to pay for an international trip for her adult children to a wedding of someone they've never met and aren't invited to.

levioosa · September 12

Well, it doesn't take a psychologist to unravel why you both have been married twice already with the third time not looking so great.

short+sassy · September 15

I am 100% on the LW's and his son's side. I wouldn't invite adult step siblings I have never met and will never be close to, to my wedding either. I don't know why his wife is making a federal case out of this when that sounds very normal to me.

To me, this is a very different situation than if everyone's children were still little (need to be treated more or less equally) or had grown up together or maybe even lived in the same area.

What would probably keep the peace is for the LW to tell his two stepchildren that he doesn't have any control over the guest list (because he doesn't), but he will still pay for this "family trip" to France and they can meet his son over dinner some night instead. I get the feeling he and his wife are loaded enough that this wouldn't be a financial problem.

Sounds like her kids would like that solution even better anyway.

LEt them be mad

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