AITA for no newborns rule

Re: AITA for no newborns rule

• ei34 member

  

  September 16

  knottied25b0e740baa19f2 said:

  Hi! My fiance and I got engaged a year ago, and our wedding is this weekend! Our very clearly stated expectation of no children has been in place from the start. His side of the family has 8 nieces/nephew ages 1-10, and on my side there is one 2 year and one 8 week old that belong to my brother and SIL. 
  
  Since beginning of this year, my SIL has had the plan of her parents getting an airbnb down the road from our venue, where she can easily pop in and breastfeed the 8 week old as needed. Out of the blue, yesterday (5 days out from wedding) she mentioned he would now be getting dropped off 30 minutes into the wedding, directly after the ceremony, and staying until 9 pm. Apparently during this time period he cluster feeds and it's his "witching hours". During that time, first dances, speeches, and dinner will be taking place. 
  
  I expressed to her that we should try and find some kind of compromise to this, and there had to be a better solution to her getting up every ten minutes to quiet a baby and breastfeed. She said she assumed we just would know a newborn would be there and it didn't need to be clarified. She offered to just go back to the airbnb and stay until the baby was down for the night, and return for the last hour or two of dancing. I agreed to this, and apologized for any misunderstanding but stayed firm on our no-kids rule that has applied to everyone. 
  
  Today, she is calling family members bawling her eyes out and is very upset. Should I just give in? I feel very pressured and manipulated but don't want to cause family drama! (as a backdrop, she has a history of narcissistic behavior we typically just let her get away with)

  I definitely don't include a breastfeeding, cluster-feeding 8 week old in a "no kids" rule.  Witching hour sucks and remembering how tired I was in those days, I would have just skipped the whole thing, so props to her for attending.  Calling other family members to cry instead of just being direct with you is annoying, though I don't blame her for feeling upset.  Infants are a known exception to "No Kids".

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• knottied25b0e740baa19f2 newb

  

  September 16

  Thank you so much for that perspective. I expressed to her I understood! Solutions for compromise I offered were letting her babysitter come stay at the house (where wedding is taking place) so she can just run inside when she needs to feed (even offered to buy the babysitter a meal), holding him and just taking him out whenever he fusses (but staying away if he's not calming down), and just generally "using her judgement". She refused the babysitter option, and wont' accept any answer beyond having the infant in a stroller at their table.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  September 16

  Newborn/breastfeeding babies are generally exceptions to no kids rules. It's not surprising that she wouldn't leave her new baby with a babysitter; most new parents wouldn't. 
  
  Agree that it's annoying that she's crying to the rest of the family, instead of her and your brother having a conversation with you. But then, it doesn't seem like conversation has gotten anywhere anyway. For most new parents, this would mean not coming at all. 

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• ei34 member

  

  September 16

  Yeah a newborn in a stroller at their table is definitely a sound choice here.  I’ve attended “no kids” weddings, leaving my own kids at home, and have thought nothing of an infant in attendance. A baby that young definitely needs special accommodations. 

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• banana468 member

  

  September 16

  Yeah - I'll be honest that after having two kids (with my own now at 14 and 11), they were pretty quiet at the newborn phase.
  
  And the issue for your SIL is that she probably doesn't know what phase she's in until it's that week or a few weeks prior.  Baby phases move fast.  What you think was going to work before baby is likely unrealistic unless you're not a first time parent. 
  
  FWIW, I brought the now 11 yo to a wedding when he was 5 weeks.  It was either bring him or not go.  There were very few times he wasn't cluster feeding to the point I think DH may have helped cut a piece of meat for me if I had one hand on the baby.  I wore a cover and a wrap dress and at one point people said, "You have a baby under there?!?"  
  
  The issue with the cluster feeding and nursing is that it was like, 20 minutes per side nearly every hour.  I would have had a break only to run back after I got to eat or use the restroom.   
  
  That phase is usually before they find their voice, their sound, and start to move.  It's a sack of potatoes that poops.  If the baby was over 6 months even it would be different. 

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  September 17

  Yes newborns are normally the exception. DD and SIL had a no kids rule except for the ring bearer and flower girl (and her sibling). There was a couple with a newborn that asked if they could bring her. They said yes. No one knew the baby was there. I had forgotten until I saw them getting ready to leave early so I ran over to see her. They had her in a carrier. They also made an exception for one of the groomsmen. They were from out of town and didn't want to leave their 18 mo with an unknown sitter. His (the groomsmen) mother was going to stay at home and watch the baby. SIL really wanted her and the father to be at the wedding because they were very close. I advised them to make an exception for him. He was fine and very well behaved. I do realize though that isn't always the case with 18 mos.

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