Just get a hotel

Casadena · September 18

ear Prudence,

My partner and I still wear KN95s indoors or in crowds. (We’re both at higher risk for COVID.) I believe masking is the considerate, sensible thing to do, but I understand not everyone feels that way, so I certainly don’t take it personally when people don’t mask around me. But if I’m traveling/sharing space with someone, I do ask that they test for COVID and then mask while we’re out and about. If they can’t or won’t do it, no problem; I just make other plans.

My family (me, my sister, her husband, and my parents) attends a big indoor festival every year. My parents live close by, so we all stay at their house for the duration of the festival. Last year, everyone agreed to wear a mask. But at the festival, I noticed all of them taking their masks off most of the time. It was too late to make alternate arrangements, so I stayed with them, but isolated and masked around the house.

This year, I really want to be able to relax and take my mask off in the mornings and evenings. Given what happened last year, I’m not confident they’ll mask again, so I’m planning to rent a hotel room. I know my parents will be hurt by this. I don’t really care if they do or don’t mask when I’m not around, but I’ll admit I’m hurt that they knew it was a safety issue for me, agreed to mask during my visit, and then didn’t. I know they love me, but I felt disrespected, and I spent the festival stressed out about my COVID safety assessment being thrown out of wack.

I want to skip the uncertainty this year. What is the most painless way to broach this subject? Should I book a hotel before or after talking to them? (I think if they seemed genuinely contrite and promised to make a real effort, I would stay with them again, but I’m also not interested in leveraging my presence to extort an apology.) Am I overthinking this? Does masking even matter anymore, now that the government thinks COVID isn’t real??? I’m crashing out here!

banana468 · September 18

Have you considered talking to your own physician overseeing your condition to see what is currently advised?

Get their opinion. If it is consistent with your practice then mention it to your family that you intend to mask while there and ask if they would do so for the entire time. Let them know that it's no pressure on them but if they wouldn't do so you'll happily get a hotel room.

VarunaTT · September 18

Just get a hotel room. You'll be more comfortable and not have to worry. Those are your "other plans". Just say, "I made other plans, thank you for the offer to stay".

MyNameIsNot · September 18

Get a hotel room.

But I'm really struggling with balancing the risk of going to a large indoor festival but then being around someone who has been in public unmasked is a problem. It's not that covid isn't real or even that it is gone, but it's just not as present as it was even 3 years ago.

banana468 · September 18

MyNameIsNot said:

Get a hotel room.

But I'm really struggling with balancing the risk of going to a large indoor festival but then being around someone who has been in public unmasked is a problem. It's not that covid isn't real or even that it is gone, but it's just not as present as it was even 3 years ago.

Especially with our ability to have vaccines....at least at the current moment for the immunosuppresed/compromised.

charlotte989875 · September 18

MyNameIsNot said:

Get a hotel room.

But I'm really struggling with balancing the risk of going to a large indoor festival but then being around someone who has been in public unmasked is a problem. It's not that covid isn't real or even that it is gone, but it's just not as present as it was even 3 years ago.

This is it for me. The LWs behavior seems- inconsistent at best. We all get to make our own risk assessments, and they should 100% get a hotel room if they feel more comfortable.

You’re going to a large indoor festival with tons of people you don’t know (and don’t know their vaccine status, their health status, who they’ve come into contact with) - realistically that’s your biggest risk! Not whether your family is taking their mask off inside there.

Covid is real, the complications can be serious, and we’re all responsible for knowing our own risks- but this feels more like a reason to be mad at your family than it is an actual health concern.

levioosa · September 18

Get a hotel. You'll be more comfortable. I do think that LW has some health anxiety (understandable) and the reality is, if you're attending a huge indoor festival, that mask can only do so much. COVID is also passed by droplets that can get into your eyes so the mask isn't fool proof by any means. I'm not saying don't wear one, masks help, but they're not an isolation bubble.

I wear a mask at work. I wore it on the airplane. I avoided contact with people without a mask the week leading up to our trip. I still got COVID (not from Vegas, probably from work). And I can tell you, just from walking around and watching/listening to people, COVID was friggen everywhere in Vegas, even before I knew I was sick.

mrsconn23 · September 18

This LW should get a hotel so they can relax, but they also have to see how their behaviors look and how the goalposts can appear to be moving to others even if it makes sense to them. I agree with the suggestion to talk to their doc about their true risk. We have a lot more data now than ever (even with the current state of affairs at our institutions).

I got Covid for the first time (ever) last month. I was wondering how it would impact me and it was thankfully very mild.

short+sassy · September 18

I'm normally very sensitive to people's needs for COVID caution. But I'm not wearing a mask in my own house for the entire day and night, except for sleeping. That's a lot to ask. Though I realize the problem isn't with the LW, who is fine getting a hotel room. It's with the parents who won't accommodate their safety needs but will then be hurt if they don't stay with them.

It's also not just the parents. Other family members stay in the house also for the festival. The parents might be able to promise up and down they will definitely stay masked the whole time, but they can't make that promise for other people.

The LW definitely needs to get a hotel, no matter what the parents say. They can even phrase it like, "We saw what a burden it was for everyone last year, as evidenced by the fact that no one did it. Everyone, including us, will feel more comfortable if we stay at a hotel this year. We're sorry you're disappointed but hope you understand our decision."

levioosa · September 18

short+sassy said:

I'm normally very sensitive to people's needs for COVID caution. But I'm not wearing a mask in my own house for the entire day and night, except for sleeping. That's a lot to ask. Though I realize the problem isn't with the LW, who is fine getting a hotel room. It's with the parents who won't accommodate their safety needs but will then be hurt if they don't stay with them.

It's also not just the parents. Other family members stay in the house also for the festival. The parents might be able to promise up and down they will definitely stay masked the whole time, but they can't make that promise for other people.

The LW definitely needs to get a hotel, no matter what the parents say. They can even phrase it like, "We saw what a burden it was for everyone last year, as evidenced by the fact that no one did it. Everyone, including us, will feel more comfortable if we stay at a hotel this year. We're sorry you're disappointed but hope you understand our decision."

Eh, that comes off a little passive aggressive.

short+sassy · September 19

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

I'm normally very sensitive to people's needs for COVID caution. But I'm not wearing a mask in my own house for the entire day and night, except for sleeping. That's a lot to ask. Though I realize the problem isn't with the LW, who is fine getting a hotel room. It's with the parents who won't accommodate their safety needs but will then be hurt if they don't stay with them.

It's also not just the parents. Other family members stay in the house also for the festival. The parents might be able to promise up and down they will definitely stay masked the whole time, but they can't make that promise for other people.

The LW definitely needs to get a hotel, no matter what the parents say. They can even phrase it like, "We saw what a burden it was for everyone last year, as evidenced by the fact that no one did it. Everyone, including us, will feel more comfortable if we stay at a hotel this year. We're sorry you're disappointed but hope you understand our decision."

Eh, that comes off a little passive aggressive.

I can see that. But I think it's more important to lightly point out why it's in everyone's best interest for them to stay at a hotel.

With that said, it's only if the parents have an objection which is what the LW is expecting. If the parents don't say anything, then I would agree there is no reason to give a "why" or explanation.

Just get a hotel

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