Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are doing a trial run before we get married. I am renting out my condo and we are renting a house. He has a 10-year-old son with 50-50 custody. We generally get along because I make sure to keep in my place: I am not a parent and make sure that his father is the authority figure. The problem is that his ex-wife thinks she can treat me like an unpaid nanny with zero impact or input.
I “can’t” schedule a family visit to my own home during her custody week and take my nieces to an amusement park. It is unfair to her son. I “can’t” say no to last minute custody changes like taking her son to an eye appointment while my boyfriend is out of town and she doesn’t want to. I “can’t” refuse to make her son a new meal because he “doesn’t like” what I cooked (my boyfriend can heat up my leftovers and his son hoovers them down). My boyfriend is trying to run interference with his ex, but this is tiresome. She hates me because I exist, just like she has hated every other girlfriend in the past five years. Only I am sticking around.
So what’s happened now is that both our work schedules changed. She is 6-to-2 and I am 10-to-6. I like it because it allows me to sleep in, but I am willing to do drop-off duty when my boyfriend can’t. His ex feels I have to do the drop off every time. Even on her days. She said as much during the weekend custody exchange and got very loud while my boyfriend told her to kick rocks. She was yelling so loudly that I had to send the kid into the backyard and went to the front and told them the neighbors could hear the fight. His ex told me to fuck myself and that I don’t get a say. I laughed and told her to leave and consider any future consideration for her busy schedule off the table.
Well, she turned red and proceeded to scream her head off. My boyfriend threatened to call the cops. His ex left. And then we had a fight. He felt I was escalating things and I argued his ex was. He then said this is what I signed up for. I shot that down: I loved him. I was willing to step up to help with his son. But it was his son. I wasn’t going to be saddled with all the responsibilities but with no authority or respect. Especially from his ex! What should I do?