Dear Prudence,
My sister’s child (who is 24 years old) is gender fluid, and due to some discrimination and other issues in society, my sister is a VERY strong proponent of the LGBTQ+ group. But some of what she expects from our family in order to show our support for her child is extreme.
She won’t speak to our brother during Pride month because he won’t replace his decorative flag with a pride flag, and is upset we won’t take vacation days to show up for rallies. With her, there is no middle ground. If you are not 100 percent supportive (i.e., donations, flags, yard signs, etc.), you are 100 percent against, and our family falls into the latter group.
I have continued to try and have a relationship with her, and it has worked until recently. There is a church across the street from where I live. It is a mainstream denomination, and due to occasionally mis-delivered mail, I have gotten to know the pastor and the office manager. This church also has a fresh vegetable pantry just inside their parking lot, where people drop off excess produce for other community members in need to take. I regularly take extra from my garden to this pantry, and it drives my sister up the wall. Apparently, this church is on her “blacklist” of groups that do not accept the LGBTQ+ community.
I have checked the church’s website and social media posts, and in talking to the pastor and office manager, I have gotten no indication that they are against the LGBTQ+ community. One of their mission statements is “to be a source of help for ALL in the community.” Because I support this church with my vegetable donations, I am apparently against her and her child. I have explained that I am supporting those in need and not necessarily the church itself.
This weekend, she was over and saw all the winter coats hanging in my garage. She asked what they were for. I told her that whenever I see a winter coat for under $5 at a rummage sale, I buy it because the church across the street has a coat drive every fall and collects coats to donate to the local shelters. She almost went ballistic, saying she can somewhat understand donating vegetables as they are free, but the fact that I was actively spending money to donate to THAT church just proves how against I am to her and her child. I told her I was supporting the community as a whole with my donations and not the church specifically. She said it doesn’t matter, and if I wanted to continue to have a relationship with her, I would need to promise I would no longer support the church across the street. I don’t know what to do next.
It “feels good” to donate this stuff, as I know it is benefiting those in need, and it is a very easy way for me to do it. I have also hit the end of the line with my sister and her expectations, but I still want a relationship with her. Should I stand my ground and risk a relationship with my sister and hope she “mellows out” on her extreme stance, or cave in and no longer donate to the church’s community help programs?
—Problems With My Sister’s Extreme LGBTQ+ Stance