My first husband “Tom” is a self-described feminist with a commitment to equality and dedication to his nonprofit work to make the world a better place. A guy who always uses the right language. But he was a people pleaser who always put himself and our family last. With the landlord, I was willing to be the one who fought for our family. But I needed him to take my side about things like requiring his parents to get MMR vaccines to meet the newborn, or standing up to a neighbor who wouldn’t stop catcalling me. When I couldn’t support us 80 percent on my salary, he refused to compromise his values by looking for a higher paying job. I divorced him five years ago, and he now has weekend custody of our boys, ages 13 and 15. We have an OK parenting relationship, except for what he says about my fiancé “Cyrus.”
Tom insists that Cyrus is a “toxic male influence” on the boys. I can’t tell if this is as big an issue as he claims, and I don’t know what’s right.
Cyrus and I have been together for three years. He’s loving but more conventional. We share the same core values and votes. He’s kind and generous: he’ll stop for a stranger with a flat on the freeway, he’ll break up a homophobic incident in a bar. But he’s blue-collar and less PC, and he puts himself and our family first if needed. He also values a lot of “stereotypical” masculine traits: strength, leadership, financial support. He loves my boys, they love him. And he’s endlessly patient as they learn new things. He encourages them to do outdoor stuff with him, participate in sports, and get good grades to “become men.” He also encourages their hobbies like art and baking. The boys feel happy and not pushed into stuff, when I’ve asked them privately. But they’re teenagers, not men! When a neighbor had a destructive money-pit of an affair and hurt his kids and wife, Cyrus flatly labeled it “unmanly behavior.” When a classmate cheated on an exam, he said the same to the boys. It’s his catch-all label for guys who hurt others, who skip out of responsibilities, or who don’t make an honest effort. He never says it’s “girly,” or treats women disrespectfully, but it’s not exactly progressive. If a woman does something similar (steal or lie) he’ll just describe it as “bad.” Tom says the language around being “unmanly” will ruin our kids, and I’m worried I’m too smitten to see a problem. Should I be intervening here?
—Unsure