Dear Prudence,
I love exercise. I run every day, regularly work out, and go to spin classes. It’s the only way I’ve found to keep my mental health in check (I’ve struggled with severe PTSD symptoms from a childhood accident), and it’s great for my physical health. I like the way I look and how strong I feel. My fiancé also likes the way I look, but he wants me to spend less time at the gym.
He says it eats into our time together, which I would understand more if he didn’t spend hours of our time together glued to his gaming console, ignoring me! He says that’s not the same since we’re physically in a room together. We have regular date nights, and most of my gym time takes place while he’s at work (he works shifts, I work a 9-to-5) or early in the morning.
I’ve pointed out that he has actually complained the past two Christmas periods when I’ve put on weight. I don’t keep up my routine for the latter part of December and early January due to various family plans, and because I like taking the festive season to indulge. The last two years, he made comments about being less attracted to me when I got slightly heavier (he’s naturally skinny and stays that way). I told him that less exercise means I’ll gain more weight, which he doesn’t like, and I’ll be less happy, which I don’t like. His response: “Couldn’t you just eat less instead?” I asked how that would make me happier (I love eating and hate diets!), and he just responded by talking about his friend’s girlfriend. He then talked about how I couldn’t keep this up after we were married and had kids. I’ve always been on the fence about having children, though I’ve said I’m open to the possibility down the line (we’re both 24). I got angry then and said I wasn’t changing my life and health for a hypothetical situation years from now, and he finally admitted his concern is that I’m “keeping fit to be hot to other guys.”
This was the last straw for me, and I went to stay with my parents for the night. I came back the next day, and we haven’t discussed it again, aside from him making irritating remarks when I talk about gym class, and me pointing out that it would be nice to still fit into my wedding dress in six months. Our relationship is great in other ways—we make each other laugh and bond over our love of sci-fi, we like cooking for each other, etc. But this has made me so angry that it’s hard to think about almost anything else, and my best friend says it’s a huge red flag. Is this something we can resolve? Should I be panicking here? Please give me an outside view!
—Boyfriend Wants a Thin Girlfriend