Dear Prudence,
During arguments, my husband, who is 29, often stonewalls me when he’s upset by pulling out his phone to scroll social media and refusing to respond or even look at me. I finally lost my temper a few months ago, and I tried to take his phone out of his hand. He reported me to the police for assaulting him and accused me of abusing him. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I was not trying to hurt him, and he has since confirmed that he wasn’t harmed by my actions. I don’t believe what I did was abuse, and it seems downright absurd to get the police involved. I do still love him, but I just can’t see how I can get past this. The police did come to our home and question me. My husband did not want to pursue charges by that point, and we have since moved back to the U.S. He says that he never wanted me to be arrested or charged with a crime, but he felt he needed a neutral third party to talk to me and get me to understand the seriousness of what I did to ensure things would not escalate further.
He is from a developing country where domestic abuse is unfortunately not taken seriously, and therapy is nonexistent there. So he claims he hadn’t considered couples therapy as an alternative, even though I have tried to get him to go to couples therapy for years. We had planned to start a family in the next year or so, but I am so fearful of having children with someone who I believe has shown such poor judgment and absolutely no regard for my well-being.
We both agree we never want anything like that to happen again, but he refuses to apologize (I apologized immediately and many times since) or take any responsibility for contributing to the situation. I can’t shake the feeling that his physical abuse allegation is just another way he is trying to control me. My friends and family have raised concerns about this to me for years, though none of them know about what happened. Is our relationship past the point of saving, and would couples therapy at this point just prolong the inevitable divorce?
—First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage. Are We Ready for a Baby Carriage?