I feel this deeply

Casadena · October 16

Dear Prudence,

My husband, “Ivan,” is very much an introvert and dislikes large gatherings. My family, on the other hand, is loud and boisterous, and spending time with them leaves him worn out. The other day, Ivan asked if he could stay at home for Thanksgiving while I went to my parents’ with the kids. His absence won’t go unnoticed by them and everyone else. Should I insist he suck it up and come along, or tell a white lie and say he came down with something when the holiday rolls around?

—He Doesn’t Do Well With Crowds

VarunaTT · October 16

I don't think Ivan is wrong, but I think LW and he need to have a very real "expectations" conversation. I don't think it's fair to skip Thanksgiving, but maybe he gets to skip every other year, or you stay home and host a small core family Thanksgiving or skip other family gatherings to make up for Thanksgiving. There are lots of options.

And don't lie about it. Just say what the deal is, "Ivan will be here next year, he just needs the time off" or something. B/c that's the truth, just make sure to not make it, "Ivan can't stand you people and you drain him."

ETA: spelling

banana468 · October 16

Can you offer compromises? Also, if it's to the point he doesn't want to go then how about knowing that its' best if he sits a few out but if you're hosting you need him there with his help and you do want him there for events that are honoring a person or are participatory.

charlotte989875 · October 16

My husband would skip 100% of gatherings on my family’s side. He hates small talk, hates large crowds. But he goes to the big holidays- is the first to offer to take the kids outside, or leave early with them and I can stay later. And he skips some of the smaller things.

It’s unfair if he skips them all and leaves her with all the holiday parenting.

levioosa · October 16

It doesn't sound like there is a terrible amount of travel involved. Drive separately? Discuss a reasonable time limit? But outright skipping for an actual holiday would bother me. This isn't some random family gathering.

banana468 · October 16

charlotte989875 said:

My husband would skip 100% of gatherings on my family’s side. He hates small talk, hates large crowds. But he goes to the big holidays- is the first to offer to take the kids outside, or leave early with them and I can stay later. And he skips some of the smaller things.

It’s unfair if he skips them all and leaves her with all the holiday parenting.

Definitely agree if there are young kids. At this point I could show up with kids in tow without DH and it's NBD. But at the toddler phase you're absolutely right that it would be a no go for me. If anything I'd compromise by saying "Hey they're going to run around and not sit still. Can you watch them during meal time and we grab food to go when we say they need to go to bed." But gatherings not in my house were just extra work while the kids couldn't be trusted.

Casadena · October 16

I wish i could skip a lot of H's family gatherings. They're loud, people talk over each other all day, people drink a lot, it's just not my vibe. I do spend a lot of time with the kiddos away from the chaos. I would feel terrible skipping big things even though they're not my favorite. IDK, if LW is fine with it then they're all good - but definitelydon't lie about it.

short+sassy · October 17

I feel her H shouldn't skip out on family holiday dinners, but a good compromise is he doesn't need to stay the whole time.

My husband can be like this during social gatherings. He enjoys them up to a certain point, but then it's too much. If it comes up, I'll say he was really enjoying the party, but his social battery wound down.

Our neighbor friend throws a few parties a year and we spend time at each other's houses frequently. She knows and totally understands how he is. It's so convenient! He can just walk back home whenever one of her parties becomes too much or he doesn't feel like hanging out anymore. But he always comes for at least a couple hours.

ei34 · October 17

ExH and I both started enjoying the holidays/family gatherings a lot more when he started staying home. It was 2018ish, so the kids were just old enough (3, 3, 4) for it not to be a huge job for me to solo parent. When they were babies/toddlers we had compromises in place. (Shoutout exH for happily and enthusiastically attending everything with bells on from 2009-2014. Not misleading at all *eye roll*)

I think LW and H can reach an agreement they're both comfortable with but I firmly disagree with lying about coming down with something. "Ivan's too sick to leave the house" okay then why are the rest of you here?!

MyNameIsNot · October 17

There is so much room for compromise here. Can he come for the meal and leave early without you? He can leave early and take the kids home for bed, and let you stay and enjoy time with your family. If it's a particularly rough year when he's struggling, maybe it's a good year to say he's not feeling well, versus him skipping every year.

banana468 · October 17

MyNameIsNot said:

There is so much room for compromise here. Can he come for the meal and leave early without you? He can leave early and take the kids home for bed, and let you stay and enjoy time with your family. If it's a particularly rough year when he's struggling, maybe it's a good year to say he's not feeling well, versus him skipping every year.

At least for DH and me, several destinations for the day are at least an hour ride away. So, leaving early was most frustrating.

I feel this deeply

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