Talk to SIL

Casadena · October 23

Dear Prudence,

I realize Christmas is still a ways off, but every year I go all out to find my niece the hottest must-have toy, only for her mother (my sister-in-law) to accuse me of trying to buy her affection. My brother and his wife have fewer resources than I have, so I don’t mind shelling out to make my niece’s Christmas as magical as possible. How can I convince my SIL that I’m not trying to upstage her?

—Grinch SIL

banana468 · October 23

You talk to them first.

It's great to be the cool family member but it can absolutely look like you're attempting to upstage or show that this is ostentatious if done without their consent.

Generosity is great. But talk to your SIL and brother. Talk to them TOGETHER and ask what can be done. Maybe...just maybe...you go in on something together and don't need to say "Well I spent MOST on this!" Kids appreciate unconditional love - not score keeping.

VarunaTT · October 23

WTF. I literally thought this was the role of the beloved auntie.

I can't answer these things today, I really hate people.

banana468 · October 23

VarunaTT said:

WTF. I literally thought this was the role of the beloved auntie.

I can't answer these things today, I really hate people.

I feel like there's a fine line here.

It can feel like rubbing salt in the wound OR there are some family members who are big into the show of the gift. I had a really generous aunt for which I'm very grateful but I think it can also go sideways if it's a big production for all the occasions.

VarunaTT · October 23

I know I'm pissy, but honestly, this is why ww can't have community.

"It takes a village".
"Not like that".

It's just a gift and SIL took it WAY too far by accusing aunt of trying to buy her affection. SIL can shove it and get some therapy to deal with her own guilt about finances vs. childhood and just let LW have some fun/joy with their Christmas hunt and giving it to their niece/nephew.

banana468 · October 23

VarunaTT said:

I know I'm pissy, but honestly, this is why ww can't have community.

"It takes a village".
"Not like that".

It's just a gift and SIL took it WAY too far by accusing aunt of trying to buy her affection. SIL can shove it and get some therapy to deal with her own guilt about finances vs. childhood and just let LW have some fun/joy with their Christmas hunt and giving it to their niece/nephew.

I think the issue here needs to be brought up with the brother to see if he's as upset as the sister.

Is she also getting what she KNOWS they can't afford or is it to show up and do it first? I'd really love the brother's take on it.

charlotte989875 · October 23

Talk to her ahead of time. Tell her why you want to do so this, but honestly if you say “I want to make it magically because I have financial resources you don’t have” even if this is coming from a super well intended place that can sting.

does your niece want the hottest, must have toy? Or would it be equally magical if you asked your bother what she’s into and get her that?

ei34 · October 23

I have an extremely generous aunt who asks me what the kids would love, and she sends the gifts to me so that they can be from Santa. (Yes, still believing over here. I know I say it each year but this will probably be the last year.) She also has small gifts with her when she comes for Christmas Eve dinner at our home, from her. Maybe the LW makes a big deal over the wow gift being from her, and that's what irks the SIL? (Although agree with banana on there being a fine line, and wanting more info.)

knottie96ba7de30f632df3 · 5:52AM

Dear Grinch SIL,

It’s clear your heart’s in the right place! To avoid tension, consider framing your gifts as fun surprises for your niece—not competition. Even small touches, like a quirky wedding koozie or a personalized book, can feel magical without upstaging anyone. A quick note to your SIL saying your goal is just to delight your niece often works wonders.

—Prudence

Talk to SIL

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