Not inviting them sucks

Re: Not inviting them sucks

• charlotte989875 member

  

  October 23

  I want to know what the behavioral expectations for 5-year olds are for the LW. Sitting and eating a meal for 25-30 minutes without being totally unruly (no throwing food, limited yelling, staying at the table) is reasonable. Not intentionally breaking things, absolutely. 

  
  

  But accidents happen. And the two five year olds will have 100% more accidents than one five year. Accidental spills are totally normal. Holidays are exciting and kids are off school and out of routine so they’re going to be more amped up than normal. So this is give and take. Kids at that age shouldn’t intentionally break things, throw things, be destructive. Will they run, jump, yell and be boisterous? Yes. So if you have priceless glass statues you would be devastated if they got broken- move them to another room while they are there. Not because they’re poorly behaved but because they are small humans who don’t always have full control of their limbs. 

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• banana468 member

  

  October 23

  There's a fine line here. 
  
  Ex: when Chiquita was 2 we were at my BIL and SIL's house for niece's baptism.  They had a glass bowl on a side table and my 2 yo was attracted to it, kept walking to it and kept picking it up.  I was imagining her blood hitting the wall as it broke.  I moved it to the counter repeatedly with BIL not having a clue that his house was not baby proofed at all (and how could he?  his kid was weeks old!).
  
  It's monumentally frustrating as a parent of kids if you have serious breakables in arms' reach of small kids.  It's frustrating for mom and you to hear 'Please don't touch that!  It's fragile!  Over and over and over again."   But as a parent it's also your job!
  
  So can you talk to her?  If you have a priceless crystal vase on the coffee table can you move it?  Can you also come up with activities that will occupy their attention or offer a family space where the kids can color/watch tv?  
  
  It's definitely possible that the kids are terrors and your SIL is a crappy disciplinarian but it's also possible that a 5 yo thinks anything new is a toy and doesnt' fully grasp monetary value or danger. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  October 23

  It sounds like a lot of the angst is the parents aren't watching or disciplining their own children.  That's what would bother me the most about this situation, instead of calling 5-year-olds "terrors".
  
  But it's also reasonable to move breakable objects out of a child's reach and I don't think the sister is wrong to suggest it.  I'd do that if someone's young child was visiting my home.  Little kids are learning and can be rambunctious.  Even with watchful parents and well-behaved kids, accidents can easily happen.
  
  Since the LW doesn't feel they can uninvite the sister and her family, they need to think of ways to mitigate potential damage.  Like some of the things @banana468 mentioned.  A designated play area and activities they'll be engaged in.  My other thought is buying those markers that only write on special paper and make it clear to sister/BIL/family that they can't be given access to any other writing materials.  I get it.  That sucks they have to put in extra effort because the sister/BIL don't put in enough.  But it's better than having an object d' art broken or smiley faces drawn on their couch or walls.
  
  
  This is a funny story from my childhood.  My dad had a nice chess set, though not breakable, that he kept on the living room coffee table.  My mom said once I could walk, I'd sometimes go play with the pieces and put them in my mouth.  I was immediately corrected and told, "No Jenny.  Don't touch."  That would work for a long time and I wouldn't touch the chess set.  When I did, she said I would do it while she was in the room.  I'd put my fingers on one of the pieces and then look at her.  To see if I was going to be told "no" again.  I was told "no" and another good chunk of time would go by before I tried again.
  
  Since I usually left it alone and listened when I was told "no" about it, that chess set stayed in the living room.  Until my little sister started walking.  She also wanted to play with the chess set and would stop when she was told "no".  But she kept trying to play with it.  That chess set quickly disappeared for a few years, lol.
  

  

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• Casadena member

  

  October 24

  Also, 5 year olds are 5 year olds. I'm finding more and more that non-parents or even grandparents to an extent (because different time, been a long time since they've dealt with it) are not always realistic about behavior expectations for children. My kids listen to me most of the time and are generally good kids. A holiday, lots of people, new food, new environment - honestly - a lot of that goes out the window whether the parents are on top of it or not. 
  
  Dealing with this literally as I'm writing this, my kids are going absolutely ape-shi* at gma/gpas at 7am because they're excited to be here and don't know how to channel it. Kids don't always know what is "breakable" or not, so if there are valuables or things that you'd like to make sure you keep nice, then put them away. Kids are allowed to be kids in spaces with others. You're allowed to keep your items safe. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  October 24 edited October 24

  I’m with banana- it’s my job to keep my kids, and people’s belongings safe. I don’t just let my kids run feral, especially at child free homes (and I’m around a lot of parents of 5 year olds- I know it probably happens but I’ve never seen anyone who just doesn’t try and discipline their kids). 

  
  

  Talk to your sister. If she really is never watching her kids and they’re painting the walls, and slamming decorations on the floor- set expectations about what will happen. But also look at your own expectations and see if they’re reasonable too. 

  
  

  I’d be really hurt, and so would the rest of my family if someone said “sorry no kids” when they’re just acting like normal 5 year olds. 

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• Casadena member

  

  October 24

  @charlotte989875 i agree completely and you said everything i was trying to get across in a much more concise way!
  

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• banana468 member

  

  October 24

  Right!  As my kids were younger my  mom went crazy and did things like remove the glass top coffee table from their living room.  But they were in a good place. 
  
  But the other part when I hear "they never watch their kids" that can irk me is that 1 - you know that in your house you can likely have a place to put your kids so you can turn your back and get things done.  So sometimes it can be a wakeup call when you can't.
  2 - family get togethers are when people are pulling you in a million directions and you can lose your kid quickly.  So maybe the sister is someone who parks herself on a couch and just doesn't do anything.  But maybe the other issue is that she's also getting into conversations with others and the kids wander off.
  
  Kids like places that are friendly to them.  If you're hosting your sister's family that also means hosting the kids.  If you know the family is a group of talkers that get boring then come up with the activities for the kids who you are hosting because part of it is also your job as host.  Go to the dollar store and buy the markers that work only on the special paper and get the kids the special paper coloring books.  If they're older buy the games you know they'll like that will occupy them for hours.  And then keep a stash of stuff in your house in a special space so it becomes a low cost special treat. 
  
  Kids are going to do kid things.  Figure out what they're into and anticipate it so you can help the mini-yous grow up and be cool adults. 

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