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It will all come out eventually

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My daughter had an affair that produced my grandson, “Barry.” The truth came out when Barry was 4 because my daughter was fooling around with another man and got caught. The paternity test came back negative, but the law stated that her husband was legally Barry’s dad. He pays child support, but has moved out of state and left Barry’s life altogether.

Barry is 9 now and questioning where his dad is and why he doesn’t see him. My daughter has basically painted her ex as a deadbeat who abandoned them both. Now she has gotten back together with the man that I am 90 percent sure is Barry’s biological dad. The man has been in and out of jail for years and has two other kids, and they look nearly identical to Barry.

My daughter tells me her romantic life is none of my business, but she dragged Barry into this mess from the beginning. What do I tell my grandson if he asks me the truth? It makes my skin crawl to see this man playing daddy with Barry when he pretty much actually is. I tried to support my daughter, but her life choices are hard to swallow. My ex-husband repeatedly cheated on me, and I couldn’t leave until my daughter was old enough to stay at home by herself. I couldn’t afford it otherwise. What should I do?

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Re: It will all come out eventually

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Barry is 9.  IMO it's way too early to start being honest like that .

    But at some point he's going to be old enough to ask questions and process what's going on.  

    But be prepared for the fall out if you tell the truth.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Barry is only 9. That's too young to out a bunch of dirty laundry. And what is your end goal? What good would it do to be direct with a child who can't process the information at this stage in their development? What if you, a seeming stable force in his life, gets cut off because daughter is mad you overstepped? It seems like a whole lot of cons and not a lot of pros. I'm not saying lie to Barry necessarily, but there are ways of responding that don't involve sharing something that isn't really your place to tell. 


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is the goal to hurt Barry or the daughter? 
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  • knottie650de29079ea1b28knottie650de29079ea1b28 newb
    10 Comments
    Barry is only nine years old. Now is not the age to tell her this fact. Telling him now will only turn her into the Yin and Yang of her childhood.

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