Dear Prudence,
My closest friend is in the process of getting her second divorce. Both men were very clearly not great partners for her. She wanted to be married so much, she spent much of her energy ignoring many obvious issues and convincing herself (and trying to convince everyone else) it was okay. During the recent breakup, she said to me, please don’t ever let me get involved in another unhealthy relationship like that. She said she wanted to take some time to figure out why she is so driven by male attention and really focus on rebuilding her emotional state. I promised her I would say something if I saw it.
Well, of course, a few weeks after he moved out, an old friend from college reached out to her. He, too, is getting divorced, and she saw it as a sign from the universe. He love-bombed her for days, like 10-15 emails a day (while he still shares a bed with his soon to be ex-wife!). She, another friend, and I talked about it, and the other friend suggested she not to speak to him for six months. If after six months they were still as interested in speaking, she should go from there. She was grateful for the good advice. Later that day, she told the college guy to cool it, and she would reach out when she was ready. Oops, he had already sent her a present to her job. When it arrived three days later, she reached out to him to thank him, and they have been texting every single day since. Every day!!
I told her this was unhealthy and she spun a multipronged narrative about how not talking to him would be inauthentic (“like saying I’ll never eat sugar again”). She has said they are pen pals. Her mental contortions remind me of the way she spoke of her husbands (and a terrible boyfriend in between). I told her very clearly she was continuing the pattern she swore she wanted to break. He lives in a different state (close), so they haven’t seen each other.
I know she has a romantic fantasy about this guy even though she denies it.
I oddly resent her for doing this. I love her and want the best for her, but it’s like banging my head against a wall. I dread when she finally makes plans to see him. His love bombing (and the content of some of the emails which she showed me) demonstrates to me that he is not a mentally healthy person. Prudie, how do I help my friend who says she wants to be helped, but behaves like she very much doesn’t?