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IF you're not 100% sure, then don't

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 28-year-old man watching some of my friends become parents for the first time. My oldest friend just had his first kid with his wife eight months ago, and recently, another friend announced they’re expecting. Now that our circle has a few more parents in it, the question of whether my long-time girlfriend and I should have kids has come up more than a few times.

We go back and forth on whether we want them. Some days, we think yes, definitely, especially when we spend time with our friend’s kid. Other days, the answer is less clear. I’m worried about making this life-altering decision and regretting it, at least for those first hard years. My girlfriend feels the same—we like our life as it is! But societal forces seem to naturally push us toward having kids and building a family. I’ve never felt a strong urge to be a father, but I also haven’t felt a strong desire not to be. How does anyone ever decide whether or not to do this?

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Re: IF you're not 100% sure, then don't

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    You should have children because it's what you want for your life, not because it's what society expects from you. If you and your girlfriend are going back and forth about it this much, neither of you is ready, and you shouldn't even be trying to have a baby unless and until you are 100% committed to parenthood.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I saw my friends having kids.  They wanted them.  I mean, biological clock ticking on both partners.  I have never experienced that, so never had them.  If you're going back and forth, "no" is a solid position to maintain, b/c you can't go back on having kids.  And kids know when they're not wanted.  Don't do it.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Kids are one of those things where if it's not an enthusiastic screaming yes from both parties, it's a no. 

    Looking back from the other side of 40, I really remember those years when all our friends started having kids and thinking about how we could raise our kids together and worrying that we might be missing out. We didn't. There is so much more to living your life than doing what society expects of you. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don’t know- I think it’s not always an “enthusiastic screaming yes”- it wasn’t for me. There was a lot I was scared of, but ultimately we wanted them more than we didn’t. And we’re so happy we did! Both times! 

    So if it’s more tho than yes- then that could be your answer too. And that’s allowed to change over time too. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    charlotte989875 said:
    I don’t know- I think it’s not always an “enthusiastic screaming yes”- it wasn’t for me. There was a lot I was scared of, but ultimately we wanted them more than we didn’t. And we’re so happy we did! Both times! 

    So if it’s more tho than yes- then that could be your answer too. And that’s allowed to change over time too. 
    This is where I'm at. As long as you are having them for you, and you have thought long and hard about parenthood, that's what matters. Not everyone is going to be like my bff, who wanted to be a mom from the time she could even process that thought. Hands down I'd rather have someone have a kid who was on the fence, but planned emotionally and logically about it over someone who was obsessed with the idea but refusing to deal with real life issues and their own emotional baggage. 

    LW is only 28, bright side of having kids now is your youth saves you in the energy department. But it sounds like they aren't ready and there's nothing wrong with that. There is plenty of time to figure each other out, figure life out, and get a feel for if it's something that you even really want. Also...these kids in LW's life are still in the adorbs stage. Just wait until the terrible 2s and 3s hit and they are sick all the time, energetic in a way that makes you feel like they must have some secret energy draining device and where they're starting to gain some semblance of independence and start to fight you because the banana wasn't yellow enough this morning.  


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's also still an early age IMO.

    IMO - the point is to be on the same page as your partner.   It would have been a non-starter for me if DH never wanted them.  Likewise, we would have needed LOOONG talks if he wanted 6.  What seems to make the best kids are the healthiest relationships (obviously there are lots of nuances here!!).  But my point is that you should be on the same page whatever it is so there's no coercion. 
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