Dear Prudence,
I am a queer man of color in my mid-20s. I grew up in a mostly white, conservative rural town. It was hellish growing up there, dealing with constant microaggressions, racism, and homophobia. Even though I was not out of the closet at the time, I was constantly clocked as being gay and ridiculed as a result. Despite this, I had some incredibly close friends who were a godsend during that time. I eventually escaped to a progressive city, which I am quite happy to be in, and I have never looked back.
After a lot of therapy, I realized how damaging being in that environment was, and I have shared this with those old friends of mine, some of whom still live in that town. We get together every so often when they come to my city. While seeing them is great, they often also want me to hang out with their families, with whom they are very close. Growing up, I was usually around them and their family, even being seen as an impromptu son in some cases, as my family was considerably pretty horrid.
The issue is that some of those family members were my biggest tormentors! One dad in particular would say racist and homophobic things to me as a teenager, and even the thought of him makes my blood boil. Another friend’s mom made it clear about what she thought of the LGBTQ+ community, and I wish I had never known. These friends often want me to spend time with them and their families, and while I love my friends, I want nothing to do with their families! The conundrum is, I fear that if I tell them the truth, our friendship will fall apart immediately, considering how close-knit they are. I already cut several of my own family members out for their “political” (shitty, bigoted) opinions, and while it was painful at the time, my life is so much better. But what should I do about my friends and their awful relatives?
—Friends and a Hard Place