Dear Prudence,
I love my husband very much, but he has a particular habit that drives me nuts, and it is getting worse over time. He incessantly explains things to me. I don’t mean mansplaining—he respects my knowledge on topics I’m familiar with—just regular explaining! For example, he’ll watch a movie I tell him I have no interest in seeing and then spend 90 minutes monologuing the plot and his thoughts on all the performances to me. He’ll see a car while we’re out and about, and then go into great depth about the design philosophy of this particular make and how it changed from the late 2000s to today. In the past, we’ve implemented a “tech minute” or “gear minute” rule to give him the time to just get a thought about motorcycles out of his head, so he is aware that I don’t have unlimited patience for his speeches.
When I genuinely don’t have time for this, I have no problem telling him. But I really don’t want to hurt his feelings. He is somewhat reserved with other people, and prides himself on being a better listener than speaker with friends. But with me, he just unleashes all of his inner thoughts, and I find it excruciating. I love having conversations with him when we can have a true back and forth, but I can’t stand being talked at. I’m afraid that if I say the wrong thing, he’s going to jump to the conclusion that I don’t want to hear what he has to say at all! Overall, he is a great person, but he is sensitive to feedback and rejection, so I have to choose my words carefully with him, or he shuts down and takes a while to recover. Otherwise, our relationship is lovely, and he’s not nearly old enough to start worrying about cognitive issues. My obviously much older father does the same thing, and I used to watch my late mom nod off at the dinner table, listening to him drone on and on. I don’t want this to be our future!
—Not a Sounding Board