Dear Care and Feeding,
I divorced my kids’ dad two years ago for the most selfish reason possible: I wanted to do less of the parenting for one of my kids. “Patrick” (15) has long-standing behavioral issues, although no developmental or learning issues. I spent all my parenting energy on him, and our more self-managed kid, “Amanda,” was falling between the cracks. My ex was always proud of being a dad in front of his family and friends. But he wouldn’t do the hard stuff. He wouldn’t do “girly things” for our daughter. And for Patrick, he avoided the endless slog of IEP or 504 or discipline or parent-teacher meetings. He always backed out of taking him to therapy appointments, and he never wanted to be the bad cop when Patrick hurt others. This stuff is hard, and I don’t have a very flexible job either, but it’s not optional. Couples’ therapy didn’t change anything.
I got to a breaking point when it came out that Amanda had a broken ankle and didn’t say anything because I was focused on an incident with Patrick at school. I realized that if my ex didn’t share the effort with Patrick, there would be no parenting energy or time for Amanda. We divorced and got a very firm parenting plan in place. We alternate kids every week. My ex hates it, and it’s not great for Patrick, either, since it’s less stability. He’s been having more issues recently. Patrick’s teachers also hate it, since they don’t have a rapport with his dad yet. But I’m so relieved, and I get to spend actual time with Amanda that isn’t squeezed between emergencies. She’s 14, and I feel like I’m getting to know a stranger. I feel so, so guilty. but I’m also so relieved. How can I help provide more stability for Patrick without losing the gains I’ve made in being able to parent Amanda?
—Trying to Do Better