You split fairly, not equally

Casadena · November 13

Dear Prudence,

I make four times as much money as my boyfriend. We want to move in together and have agreed to split expenses fifty-fifty. However, all the apartments I like are more expensive, and he says he can’t afford to pay 50 percent of a $4,000 apartment because it would eat up almost his entire paycheck.

He’s in a profession that does a lot of social good but doesn’t have possibilities of salary increases. I, on the other hand, work in a job where I can expect to get bonuses, stock options, etc. He has suggested paying a lower proportion of the rent and expenses, taking into account his salary. However, I was always taught the fair rule was to go fifty-fifty. Eventually, I want to have children, and I’m thinking that if we don’t come to an arrangement now, it will affect our family’s finances. How do we solve this problem?

banana468 · November 13

As much as I loathe a ton of the Dave Ramsey philosophy I'm a big proponent in how he treats marital finances which are "This is your money together."

For now, while there's no commitment that you're making to one another legally, you make concessions. And the concession is that you will forego the apartment you like for the one in your boyfriend's budget.

And as you talk long-term goals, once you're married to whomever that may be, don't nickel and dime each other. It doesn't go well at all if you feel like you need to go 50/50 on all the things because I guarantee you that taking that approach is only going to bring on resentment.

Casadena · November 13

This is absolutely how I feel too once married - at least for us. I can't imagine nickel and diming in a marriage or having a huge/growing disparity in personal net worth. I think that approach is losing steam though - i actually dont' know many couples/families personally who combine everything.

In this case though - even if they didn't want to combine 100% if they get married, going 50/50 when one person outearns the other to this degree is insanity imo.

charlotte989875 · November 13

Where did this “rule” come from and do you actually feel this way, or do you feel like this is what you should do?

I think you should either 1) find an apartment that works with both of your budgets or 2) if you want something nicer/ more expensive you need to pay the difference.

Fair doesn’t always mean equal (and likewise being equal doesn’t mean it’s fair- it’s not fair to your partner to ask him to pay his entire salary toward rent because you want a fancier apartment). If this is a long term relationship that has a future you need to be able to talk about money and if you have a large disparity in income how that’s going to work long term.

We combine everything except our own credit cards. We both had no assets when we got married so it made sense. I’ve made more than him for a while now, but we’re talking 20-40k difference not 200-400k. But even if it were that much I can’t imagine feel like we’d “split” things equally rather than fairly.

banana468 · November 13

DH makes significantly more than me. But we bought the newest car that is my daily driver together. It's in both names.

Also, the flexibility my job has cannot be discounted. I turned down a job offer with a pay raise earlier this year that would have had me out of the house and missing kid events. It was gut wrenching and DH now makes nearly $50k more than I do but with that comes my ability to flex time more.

VarunaTT · November 13

I'll never combine finances with anyone again.

However, I agree that the "fair" thing to do is to split into percentages for household bills, savings, and joint entertainment. Even if they compromise on an apartment, LW needs to pay more towards it. If LW doesn't want to compromise, they shouldn't move in together and should probably break up. They have different money philosophies.

MyNameIsNot · November 13

I'm on team 50/50 when you're not married. And that means the apartment needs to be within his budget, not LW's.

Married the calculus changes, but I'm also not a fan of putting everything together 100%. H and I are like this with a big income disparity. We do yours/mine/ours, but I put about 3x as much in the ours to make it proportionate.

levioosa · November 14

MyNameIsNot said:

I'm on team 50/50 when you're not married. And that means the apartment needs to be within his budget, not LW's.

Married the calculus changes, but I'm also not a fan of putting everything together 100%. H and I are like this with a big income disparity. We do yours/mine/ours, but I put about 3x as much in the ours to make it proportionate.

Eh, I'm on the fence. I am significantly more bougie than H. If (while dating) it came down to splitting 50/50 for something that was in his budget or getting something nicer, I'd rather pay a little more from my end. Because he would be fine with something low key but I would be much happier with something more upscale.

short+sassy · November 14

The LW is being ridiculous, since the decision is ultimately hers. I am really side-eying she's trying to force him to pay more than he is comfortable with so it's 50/50. That is not how it works.

Let's say the typical apartment price where they live is $3K. The b/f is fine paying 50/50 of that, ie $1500/month.

Okay then. Simple enough. Which choice does she want:

1) Downtown penthouse apartment that's $4K/month. She pays $2500 and he pays $1500.

2) More typical apartment in the suburbs that's $3K/month. Not her ideal place, but she can be more emotionally comfortable that their living expenses are 50/50.

To borrow from the Jeffersons, I would personally choose the "deluxe apartment in the sky" if I could easily afford to pay more and a higher portion for it.

You split fairly, not equally

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