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Therapy would help

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 19-year-old trans man. My mom and stepdad, who have been in my life since I was 7, have always been totally loving and supportive. My dad died tragically when I was 3, so I barely remember him. As much as I love my stepdad, this always makes me sad.

Recently, though, I’ve made contact with my dad’s sister, my aunt, and learned that my dad was extremely conservative. My mom never told me this. I’ve even found old posts online where he said deeply negative and hurtful things about gay and trans people. Now I’m having very conflicted feelings over the thought that my life would have been a lot harder if my dad had lived. How can I process this? How am I supposed to feel?

—Crazy Conflicted

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Re: Therapy would help

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    See a therapist.  Talk to them about your concerns. Also consider that worrying about what ifs that were never possible can absolutely wear you down. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To a much less personal extent, I think about this with my brother. He would absolutely have been a q-anon trumper and it would not have been good. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    At first I read this as stepdad used to be conservative and I thought, "well, people can change and I'm glad he did" but then I realized it was bio dad. That's hard. Therapy to help process it. You don't have to feel guilt at realizing that someone who should have been a protective caregiver would likely have made your life a living hell if they were still alive. And you're not a bad person if you're grateful for the family you did end up having instead of the one you were "born with." 


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    i have dealt with the fact that I'm really glad my father isn't alive now, b/c I would've had to go no contact with him and his love of DJT.  We were already at odds politically, but it we weren't debating basic human rights at the time.

    LW is dealing with grief.  Therapy would help work this out.  Also, it's just going to take time to deal with.  
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