Therapy?

Casadena · November 13

Dear Prudence,

I’m 26 and I’m terrified to drive. I never got my license, and when I was initially planning to get it, the pandemic happened, so I never did. Then, I just kept putting it off. For my entire life, either my parents or boyfriend drove me places.

Now my boyfriend is starting a new office job and won’t be available to drive me around anymore. We both agree that it would be nice if I could do this myself, and if we’re being real, I think he resents having to drive me places. I’m seriously considering whether it would be easier to move across the country to a walkable city and leave our lifelong suburb than learn how to drive. How am I supposed to overcome the fear of piloting a giant machine that could cause a lot of harm if I do it wrong or make a mistake?

banana468 · November 13

So, you were 21 and STILL didn't have a license?

See a therapist. Unless you intend to live in a place with a ton of options like NYC and then always relying on others, this is a skill that is really smart to have.

MyNameIsNot · November 13

If you're avoidant to the point where you want to pack up your entire life to avoid learning, Therapy! This sounds like some intense anxiety.

But also it is a burden to have to drive your s/o around all the time! Instead of relying on him, you need to start uber/bus/bike/whatever. It's not fair to expect other people to deal with your problem.

charlotte989875 · November 14

Driving sucks and I miss NYC primarily for the transportation options. I think electing to live in a walkable/ transit friendly city isn’t wrong (I mean I’d move to Europe just for this and the healthcare if H would go along with it). BUT uprooting your entire life out of fear probably isn’t the right choice. Sign up for a driving school or private driving lessons. If you can’t do that- then therapy to help you get there.

banana468 · November 14

charlotte989875 said:

Driving sucks and I miss NYC primarily for the transportation options. I think electing to live in a walkable/ transit friendly city isn’t wrong (I mean I’d move to Europe just for this and the healthcare if H would go along with it). BUT uprooting your entire life out of fear probably isn’t the right choice. Sign up for a driving school or private driving lessons. If you can’t do that- then therapy to help you get there.

Right. And that's also limiting in other places and potentially in your job if travel is required.

VarunaTT · November 14

I'm getting to where I hate driving. That was a real problem living at Mom's. I'm so happy to be back where a lot of things are walkable or bikeable for me. I have been considering moving to a more walkable city when Mom passes. But I would still have a license and the ability to drive. So yeah, if it's this this level where it's actually a phobia, therapy seems to be in order.

My friend L who passed was in a terrible car accident in her senior year of high school. B/c of it, she always drove what we affectionately referred to as her grandma car. She also hated driving long distances especially (it was an accident on the highway). She would hire drivers, take Ubers, etc. more often than driving. Driving herself was always the last option, but she could.

banana468 · November 14

I'm so used to living in a place with limited public transportation so driving was required. It's not my favorite thing to do and I don't love it as much in cities but will do it.

My phobia now is that Chiquita turns 16 in 12.5 months.

short+sassy · November 14

The LW really needs therapy if she's considering moving somewhere else for no other reason than to avoid driving.

She thinks her bf resents driving her around. Ha! I guarantee you he does. I got stuck doing that with my high school sweetheart. He lost his license until he was 18, shortly after receiving it smh. After him, that was one of my dealbreakers. Guys I dated needed to have a driver's license and their own car.

banana468 · November 14

short+sassy said:

The LW really needs therapy if she's considering moving somewhere else for no other reason than to avoid driving.

She thinks her bf resents driving her around. Ha! I guarantee you he does. I got stuck doing that with my high school sweetheart. He lost his license until he was 18, shortly after receiving it smh. After him, that was one of my dealbreakers. Guys I dated needed to have a driver's license and their own car.

RIght. This is BBT Sheldon Cooper. And there comes a point that you have to ideally face your fears and at minimum, know that people do not want to be on call for you.

short+sassy · November 14

banana468 said:

I'm so used to living in a place with limited public transportation so driving was required. It's not my favorite thing to do and I don't love it as much in cities but will do it.

My phobia now is that Chiquita turns 16 in 12.5 months.

My niece (M) lives in So CA, cars are necessary there, but had no interest in driving. She finally got one at 19 because her mom (my sister) made her. My sister had gotten a f/t job and didn't have time to drive my niece back and forth to her jr. college.

The funny part for me is my sister was the opposite when we were teenagers. She couldn't wait to start driving. I joked to her and asked if she was sure M was her daughter.

levioosa · November 14

I have a friend who is 37 and does not drive. She was always too anxious. She takes public transit everywhere (and it succckkks out here). I won't lie, it's impacted out friendship because it is draining to always drive the hour and a half to see her. It really does her a disservice where we live too.

Looking back, it's crazy that my mom let me not only get my license at 16, but had me drive 50 miles one way alone for an afterschool program. I know she was at the end of her rope commuting and traffic was totally different now than it was back then, but it's still wild.

short+sassy · November 14

@levioosa, since you're familiar with where I grew up! I was allowed to get my license at 16 but, especially back then, San Clemente was pretty mellow traffic-wise. My parents would only allow me to drive one town away. So San Clemente/Dana Point/San Juan Capistrano were my stomping grounds.

ei34 · November 14

I hate driving but it's just part of life. I'm in a fairly walkable suburb but driving just has to happen. I dread the day my kids are old enough for licenses (it's 17 here), but I hope they do learn to drive.
LW would probably benefit from a therapist, I'd put driving in a necessary categories in most places. It's not like they're terrified of, say, ice skating, where they could just move through life not doing it.

banana468 · November 14

I just remembered that there is a friend in our book club who doesn't drive. She's rather high maintenance and this was part of the issues but it was brought with commentary that she was not only not driving but asking for rides.

Casadena · November 14

Unless you live in New York or maaaybe Chicago - this just feels obnoxious to me. It's a fact of life whether it's your preference or not. Stop inconveniencing your family and be a grown up. I understand this is super judgy. I just do not get it. *agree with PP's that if it's a paralyzing fear or whatever, definitely therapy. But that feels different than just "i don't waaaaant to".

levioosa · November 14

short+sassy said:

@levioosa, since you're familiar with where I grew up! I was allowed to get my license at 16 but, especially back then, San Clemente was pretty mellow traffic-wise. My parents would only allow me to drive one town away. So San Clemente/Dana Point/San Juan Capistrano were my stomping grounds.

For awhile I was driving from the foothills to Mission Viejo for my choir practice and traffic was pretty bad in the OC but nothing like it is now. It took about 1.5 hours but the same drive now is closer to 2.5-3 hrs during rush hour. Growing up I used be able to drive from my parent's house to Newport, DTLA, the mountains and the desert all within 30 minutes. Granted I wasn't driving the speed limit, but today that's literally unfathomable.

Sometimes we take the train to San Clemente, walk around, get drinks, and then go back home. It's not a short train ride but we can have brunch without worrying about driving. It's such a pretty area. And the stained glass windows in the local library are so pretty!

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