You both made mistakes here

Casadena · November 20

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I live together and have been dating for a little under two years. She had to push a little to move in, and I regret being stubborn about it. I love her and needed the ultimatum to get my act together and commit. I’ve improved since then, but I think my putting it off impacted her more than I thought.

I saw a Reddit post about secret photo albums on iPhones, and I didn’t know those existed, so I casually mentioned it to her. She was surprised I didn’t know about them. I asked if she had any, and she got defensive. I was immediately suspicious, which I regret now, and asked whether I could see them. I didn’t think she was cheating or anything, but her pushback felt weird. She started crying a little, but gave me her phone to look at, and the hidden album was a bunch of screenshots of engagement rings, wedding dresses, etc. Before I could say anything, she told me that she didn’t want me to think she was clingy and desperate, and knew it was pretty early to want to get married, but it was normal to think about it, and my pushing about it made her feel like I didn’t trust her. I actually thought it was really sweet that she was already thinking about it, and only felt worse that I made her feel like she couldn’t talk about it with me.

Obviously, this is my own fault for putting off getting serious with her and being so avoidant about it at the time. But when I told her I thought the album was nice, she told me that she was embarrassed and to stop trying to make her feel better. I feel bad that I’ve made her feel like I would think it was weird that she wanted to get married, and also for pushing her into showing me the album in the first place. I want to make it up to her, but I’m also not ready to get married, which makes me feel even worse. I don’t know what to say to explain that both of those things (that I want to spend my life with her and love her, but also that I’m not ready yet) are true at the same time.

—I Wish I Were Ready

charlotte989875 · November 20

I don’t see what the GF did wrong here; it’s okay to have a secret photo albums of things you want for your life, and it’s valid to feel like your partner doesn’t trust you if they push to see it.

I think LW Needs to think about why the immediately got suspicious of cheating and why they’re avoiding have any conversations about the future.

You’re obviously not ready for marriage if you can’t say “I want to at some point, but I’m not ready”.

Casadena · November 20

Reading again, LW is definitely more in the wrong. I think the pushiness about moving in was maybe not the best. But also, LW, you're 2 years + in, living together and you haven't even thought about marriage but you think it's sweet and cute that she has?

I personally have zero time for the vague "i'm not ready" BS. Do you have specific goals before you want to be married? Do you have specific hesitations you need to address? It's fine if you're not ready and she is, but have a conversation about it that's more than "idk, i'm just not ready".

MyNameIsNot · November 20

Common, you're on reddit. Tell me how old you are. I feel like this really plays different if they're 22 versus 35.

Anyway, this is a couple who has not learned to communicate and don't fundamentally trust each other. You can't marry someone if you don't feel safe enough to tell them that's what you want. I don't think she's wrong for feeling that way, but it does seem like evidence of what's missing.

ei34 · November 20

LW’s tone verges on patronizing. I had to go back and re-read, I assumed LW said they’d been together for two months instead of two years. That’s a normal enough time to broach conversation about the future. I don’t even mean this as a harsh dig at LW, but I think the gf deserves better. Their last sentence about two things being true at once is fair, but the tone of the rest of the letter is icky for me.

short+sassy · November 20

The GF needs to stop wasting her time with this loser. There's a good chance he will never "feel like" or "get around to" marrying her. At the very least, they want things at a different pace. She'll be a lot happier and feel more secure for the future if she finds someone more compatible on this important issue.

But that's not why he's a jerk. He's a jerk because he jumped straight to "she's cheating" over NOTHING.

She already told him to drop it. But he's still such an insensitive POS that he wrote to Prudie for the best way to ignore what she wants. He's selfishly thinking about the "forgiveness" he wants without listening to her needs.

You both made mistakes here

Re: You both made mistakes here

Choose Another Board

Search Boards