To tell or not to tell

Casadena · November 20

Dear Prudence,

When I was 22, I started seeing a 19-year-old guy. I was lured in by his “bad boy” reputation. He sold drugs, he had people on his dime, he would have his people beat snitches up, etc. I had just gotten out of a 4-year abusive relationship, so this new guy and his lifestyle seemed exciting and something I never would have involved myself with. We dated for six months off and on. It wasn’t until after we broke up that I found out I was pregnant with his child. Not only that, but the entire time we were dating, I was the “other” woman. He had a girlfriend of a year when we met. To add insult to the injury, I was already seeing another man when I found out I was pregnant with my ex’s child.

I chose not to tell my ex I was pregnant, mostly because of his lifestyle, which looking back at it, seemed very fabricated. Anyways, fast-forward five years, my daughter is thriving and her “dad” loves her unconditionally. Yes, he knows he’s not her real father, but one thought that weighs heavy on my heart every single day is that I would really like her bio dad to know about her. I feel selfish. I have kept her away from a whole other part of her family that doesn’t even know she exists. I know it will break her “dad’s” heart to get her ripped away from him, but I feel her biological dad deserves to know. I’m just scared he and his family will turn her away, which would be hurtful too. Another thing that scares me would be the legal repercussions. My family says I should tell him, but now my daughter is 5. What if she has to go spend her weekends with a stranger? I messed up big time. Friends say I should keep it a secret until she’s 18. I just don’t think I can take this to the grave with me.

—Over Him by Nature, Connected By Force

flantastic · November 20

I think you made a reasonable choice and it's very likely you're going to hurt two innocent people by changing your mind. Overall it probably would be selfish to tell him, at this point, and the only person you'd really be doing it for is you, and I'm suspicious it's an excuse to see your ex again.

What do you ultimately think is best for your daughter? (And who, if anyone, did you list on the birth certificate?)

levioosa · November 20

I see like one potential pro and 90000 cons to bringing this to light now.

short+sassy · November 21

Generally speaking, it's awful and selfish for a woman to withhold telling a man that he is a father.

But there are a lot of exceptions to that and a big one is if it would put the woman or child in danger.

If this guy is still living a dangerous life, she needs to keep staying silent for her child's safety. I doubt he's turned his life around in only 5 years. But if he ever does and has been an accountant living in the suburbs for a good while, that's when she needs to tell him.

I had a friend who had a brief, casual fling when he was 18. He found out 10 years later that he had a daughter. It turned into a happy story, though I realize it doesn't always. He's sorry he missed so much of his daughter's life but loves that she is a part of it now. He didn't go after the mother for any custody, but she was glad he wanted to be a part of their child's life. She never had a problem when he wanted to spend time with her. He was even glad about the child support payments he had to start paying because it gave his daughter a more comfortable life.

MyNameIsNot · November 21

She already said the "dangerous lifestyle" was fabricated. Dude wouldn't be the first 19 y/o to try to convince a woman that he's a big bad deal drug dealer who can get snitched whacked when the reality is that he sold a couple of Js to his wrestling team in high school.

I don't think there's much good in telling him right now, but I would start laying the groundwork for the kid to know that the dad raising her is not her bio dad, so it isn't a huge shock when she inevitably finds out. And then I'd probably leave it be and let her make the decision about whether to pursue meeting her bio dad when she's older.

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