Dear Prudence,
My son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law are engaged and are currently planning their wedding. They graciously agreed to host Thanksgiving this year for the first time, something that I and many others in our large family were very excited about. They told everyone that they would be providing all of the food, but that if anyone wanted to bring drinks, that would be welcome. A lot of us offered to bring additional dishes to share, but they politely insisted that we not in order to “minimize leftovers” (which I consider to be one of the charms of the holiday, but I didn’t want to press the issue).
The day of, we were shocked at what we found.
There weren’t any traditional dishes, but instead a variety of basic options, and most shockingly, it was all catered! We have a lot of family members who love to cook and were undeniably offended that they hosted a catered Thanksgiving. We were upset, but agreed not to talk to them about it until the next day so as not to ruin the evening.
While relaxing after dessert, my daughter-in-law gave us all what I can only describe as homemade comment cards and told us what their intention behind the catered dinner was. They had chosen a variety of dishes from different caterers that they were considering for their wedding, and they were asking all of us to rank the dishes from best to worst and explain why. She explained that they were feeling overwhelmed by food options for the wedding and wanted to get some additional opinions from family to help them make a decision. I filled it out obligingly, but since the day has passed, I am at odds as to how to handle this.
I think it’s somewhat gracious that they want to consider other people’s opinions as to what they will be eating at the wedding, but I don’t think this was the right time at all. My brother thinks they made the day “all about them” and wants to tell them so, and some members of the family are already telling them how upset they are and that they “ruined Thanksgiving” and are demanding apologies. I do think this is a bit extreme, but I also think they were deceptive and essentially gave everyone an assignment they didn’t ask for. Prudie, do you think what they did was completely out of line? Is this something people do that I missed the memo on? Do they owe us all an apology (most of us think they do), and if so, how can I request that while recognizing that there seems to be some positive intent here?
—Turkey Day Troubles