What does the dentist say?

Casadena · December 18

My spouse “Jaime,” like their entire family, has naturally perfect teeth. I am not so genetically blessed, and if I hadn’t had heavy-duty braces from fifth through eighth grade, my teeth would be horrifically jacked-up. Our 10-year-old daughter, “Sara,” unfortunately seems to have gotten her teeth from my side.

I want to talk to Sara about getting braces within the next year or so. But when I brought this up to Jaime, they reacted as if I’d wanted to get Sara a nose job and liposuction. They said there’s nothing wrong with Sara’s teeth, and that our society’s expectations of perfect teeth are unhealthy. They said they would still have dated and fallen in love with me even if I’d had jacked-up teeth, which (knowing from extended family members how bad it could have been) I doubt. They said they refused to put Sara through years of pain and self-consciousness for mere cosmetic improvement. Jaime even said they did not want me saying a word to Sara about her teeth, and insinuated they would divorce me if I did. When I said fine, I’ll just have her braces seen to during my custody weeks, Jaime said they would have them removed every time they got Sara back, just to destroy my work.

We agreed to table the subject for now but are still in a state of tension. And I’m still worried that not doing something about Sara’s teeth while she’s young will hurt her socially and career-wise in the future, and be harder for her to fix herself amid adult responsibilities. Advice?

—On the Cuspid of Disaster

levioosa · December 18

Ew, fuck Jamie, honestly. And wow, the person with perfect teeth would have dated an uggo. So generous of her.

It doesn't matter if "society has expectations." That won't change the fact that Sara could be bullied, it will have impacts on getting jobs, and that it might be mentally damaging. My Dad's mom (the diagnosed narcissist), dragged him around to seven different dentists because they told her my Dad really needed braces. Well, dentist #7 told her, "no, you made a perfect kid, no braces needed," so of course she ignored the other six. That doesn't mean he didn't get bullied, it impacted his breathing, and he had to live with the knowledge that even though his family had the means, his mom made a conscious choice not to get him the treatment he needed as a child.

LW isn't saying get the kid veneers. It's braces for crying out loud. And sure, there's the type of teeth my H has, which is "needed braces, but he's functional and it's not crazy unattractive" and then there are teeth like mine, where, had I been unable to get braces, I would look like a monster (not exaggerating, I had braces from 8-15, which is, like, a really long time for them, it was so bad). It would have created functional issues not to have braces. Braces are not just cosmetic, they have very real impacts on your health too.

I keep thinking of this ad, lol.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/c0/6r1rgk39o093.png

banana468 · December 18

I am not understanding why this is a conversation that wasn't had after seeing a dentist.

What did the dentist say? DH never had braces and Chiquito inherited my mouth. Kiddo gets 6 teeth pulled in 11 days and is on course for 2 years of braces. This makes the teeth fit in his face.

I'd bring up the conversation again but would pull medical studies about when the criteria are met for an orthodontic NEED and not a want.

charlotte989875 · December 18

What does the dentist say? If they’re not concerned then why are you pushing so hard? Objectively, she’s 10 so probably has all her adult teeth. If there are problems then they need to be addressed by a professional.

Is there any chance LW is projecting their own experience on to Sara? Straight teeth aren’t just cosmetic, but can lead to needing serious dental problems down the road, so get an actual opinion from a reputable dentist.

short+sassy · December 18

Jaime sounds like an unhinged AH. It's one thing to disagree about medical decisions for a child. But quite another to threaten divorce and having the braces removed every time they are put on. Because apparently being "right" is so much more important than traumatizing your child. The LW is the one who needs to give serious thought about staying married to someone like that.

She should give them all the research about the importance, as well as the mental health* pluses. Then have them meet with the orthodontist to hear the same thing from a doctor.

*Even if it would only be a "cosmetic improvement" (which I doubt) they're still an AH for acting like that doesn't matter.

MyNameIsNot · December 18

Fuck Jaime. Also, 10 seems to be when the dentist starts talking to you about braces now. I also call bullshit that braces are years of pain and self-consciousness. Discomfort maybe, but in the next couple of years most or all of her friends are going to have braces.

When I used to work in divorce, custody agreements required that there be a default parent for decision-making around health, education, religion and extra-curriculars. I've seen a couple of cases where the parents fought it out for the health one because the other was an anti-vaxer. I think I'd be willing to do the same here.

Casadena · December 18

I never minded having braces at all, and i got them much later (14-16) than many of my friends. It was just....not a big deal to anyone. Jaime's reaction is EXTREME here. There are better ways imo to teach your kids to love themselves as they are.

charlotte989875 · December 18

Jaime’s reaction (taking the braces off during their weeks) is extreme, but so is LWs reaction of threatening to get them put on without any mention of the doctor advice or Sara’s own wants.

Basically none of the adults are acting like adults, or parents here.

levioosa · December 18

MyNameIsNot said:

Fuck Jaime. Also, 10 seems to be when the dentist starts talking to you about braces now. I also call bullshit that braces are years of pain and self-consciousness. Discomfort maybe, but in the next couple of years most or all of her friends are going to have braces.

When I used to work in divorce, custody agreements required that there be a default parent for decision-making around health, education, religion and extra-curriculars. I've seen a couple of cases where the parents fought it out for the health one because the other was an anti-vaxer. I think I'd be willing to do the same here.

I don't remember my braces fondly, frankly, they were painful and awful. But I am so so so glad I was able to get them. Even when I hated them I was still so grateful.

My cousin (on my dad's side, because of course) is a pre-teen now and has the absolute worst scarring cystic acne and horrible teeth that are in desperate need of braces. They refuse to get her treated for either "because it's normal." I feel so bad for her. Not only does it look painful, it has to be impacting her self esteem. There is zero reason for her not to be treated. I cannot understand parenting in a way that actively ignores the (treatable) pain your child is going through.

ILoveBeachMusic · December 18

H is the oldest of 5 children. Only one of them had braces - not H. He should have had them because he starting having tooth problems in his 40s. It was because of the uneven pressure on his teeth. That in most likelihood would have been prevented if he had had braces. The other 3 kids didn't need them. I'm not really sure why my ILs didn't get braces for H. There is a lot I didn't understand about them.

What does the dentist say?

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