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Tell him you're not getting what you need

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend, “Wilson,” and I are 25 and have been together for eight years. He is my best friend. He has taught me so much, not just about myself but about life in general. He has supported me through tough life events, and I have supported him through his own. Wilson has encouraged me to stand up to my abusive mother and given me the strength to set boundaries. He shows me his love not in big flashy gestures, but in the quiet, meaningful moments when I need him. We have had conversations about our future and how we want our lives to look. In every conversation, it seems like we are on the same page.

We are currently renting an apartment. He has been saying that he wants to buy a house next year. As much as I am looking forward to that next step, I have no interest in owning a house right now and all of the “what ifs” that come along with it (broken water heater, leaky roof, compromised foundation). To me, a house is a big commitment. One of the reasons I don’t want to buy a house together right now is that he won’t even propose. How is he OK with committing to buying a house but not even giving me a ring?

We have already agreed we don’t want to get married until we are closer to 30. I don’t want to call our relationship a waste of my time because it isn’t. But I don’t want to sit around for another eight years waiting for him to commit. I’m still young, but I am getting older. I want a marriage and kids, and a life with him. He claims he wants the same with me, but sometimes I feel like his lack of commitment is a hint that he doesn’t actually want that with me. He said last year that he had a plan. He told me in March of this year, “That’s the whole point of why we’re going on vacation in the fall.” Yet there was no proposal.

I don’t want to bring it up in a way that makes him feel pressured. I don’t want what some people would call a “shut up” ring. I want him to feel ready for that commitment as I have been for a couple of years. My best friend has told me I need to give him an ultimatum: If he doesn’t propose within a certain time frame, then I will leave. I don’t want to do that, but at this point, I am tired of waiting. I love Wilson, but I wonder if I need to love myself enough to tell him I’m not getting what I want from him. How do I bring this up without putting pressure on him to do something he might not even want?

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Re: Tell him you're not getting what you need

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I Think you need to be clear about what you're wanting in the relationship.

    And as a person who is happily married now with a child, I can tell you I'll tell her absolutely do not tie your finances to someone if he's not making a lifetime commitment to you. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't issue him an ultimatum to propose.  But yeah, I definitely wouldn't buy a house with him right now either.  Can he buy a house if he wants one, and you could either live there with him or remain in your rental apt?  (Feels like a crazy sentence to type in this economy, but maybe they're in some crazy LCOL area?)  

    I don't mean to be ageist, but being together for 8 years is different when you're 27-35 than when you're 17-25.  I feel like I'd slow down a bit on both the engagement and the home purchase.  
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    My gut feeling is he doesn't want to marry her. Totally fine, but be an adult and say that. She should do the same. If she doesn't want to move toward a house purchase with no outward and more permanent sign of commitment, tell him that. 

    I actually really liked a line that Prudie wrote that i'm probably poorly paraphrasing that was basically - dont' give him an ultimatum, but maybe give yourself one; open up about your needs and the timeline that feels right to you and then make a choice based on his response to that. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    TBH this was H and I, and the lack of official commitment was putting a strain on our relationship. I didn't need to get married right then and there, but being together for so long without a next step was not what I wanted either. 

    That being said, you got together when you were 17. It's okay if this isn't the relationship that is the forever relationship. Just because you've had a good partner doesn't mean they're the right partner for you. You also have no identity outside of this relationship as an adult. Is that playing into some of your hesitation? I think LW needs more self reflection and there needs to be some hard conversations between the two of them. 


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have my own baggage about this, but honestly: LW you're 25.  You've been with this person since you were 17.  YOU should sh!t or get off the pot, stop handing your power over to him.  He's made it obvious, you're just not wanting to admit it.  Break up with him and go live your best life.

    Time for one of my favorite quotes:
    When people show you who they are dont believe them
    �
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m with @VarunaTT on this one- he’s telling you it’s another 5 years before he wants to get married. If that’s not what you want that’s okay- you can leave! Things don’t have to be awful or terrible or the worst, they can just not be the right relationship and you deserve to move on from that. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    We have already agreed we don’t want to get married until we are closer to 30. I don’t want to call our relationship a waste of my time because it isn’t. But I don’t want to sit around for another eight years waiting for him to commit. I’m still young, but I am getting older. I want a marriage and kids, and a life with him. He claims he wants the same with me, but sometimes I feel like his lack of commitment is a hint that he doesn’t actually want that with me. He said last year that he had a plan. He told me in March of this year, “That’s the whole point of why we’re going on vacation in the fall.” Yet there was no proposal.

    I don’t want to bring it up in a way that makes him feel pressured. I don’t want what some people would call a “shut up” ring. I want him to feel ready for that commitment as I have been for a couple of years. My best friend has told me I need to give him an ultimatum: If he doesn’t propose within a certain time frame, then I will leave. I don’t want to do that, but at this point, I am tired of waiting. I love Wilson, but I wonder if I need to love myself enough to tell him I’m not getting what I want from him. How do I bring this up without putting pressure on him to do something he might not even want?

    Some of these things contradict each other. It sounds like LW "agreed" to wait, but it's not what she wanted at all. 

    It's ok to recognize that you're not getting what you need from this relationship and move on. It feels like sunk cost or just being stuck in the comfort zone of being with the person you've been with since you were 17. It's time to rip off the bandaid.
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