Looking for an out?

Re: Looking for an out?

• banana468 member

  

  January 15

  Is he still in therapy? 
  
  I think it's up to what you can deal with but I also would question how would you want your partner to behave if the shoe was on the other foot?   
  
  This just seems selfish to me unless the terrors are abusive.  And I'd recommend your own therapy together because it's understandable to be scared but I don't know why you wouldn't want to be there for a partner at a time he's most vulnerable. 

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• levioosa member

  

  January 15

  banana468 said:

  Is he still in therapy? 
  
  I think it's up to what you can deal with but I also would question how would you want your partner to behave if the shoe was on the other foot?   
  
  This just seems selfish to me unless the terrors are abusive.  And I'd recommend your own therapy together because it's understandable to be scared but I don't know why you wouldn't want to be there for a partner at a time he's most vulnerable. 

  DItto banana. LW is coming off like kind of an asshole here. H has night terrors. So did my ex after witnessing terrible political unrest and extreme unimaginable violence in another country. My ex's night terrors could be violent. I knew never to startle him or wake him from a deep sleep. (He didn't go to therapy). H has been to therapy, and his night terrors are usually just creepy (I wake up in the middle of the night to him telling me "they're watching us." Or I wake up and he's standing over me) and sometimes he will wake up in full flight mode. A few months ago he ran headfirst into a window and broke it. It's worse when he's under increased stress. He's been to therapy and tried some meds. Some of the other meds have really nasty side effects so we held off on those. I joke I'm going to Mike Birbiglia him into a straight jacket sleeping bag. On nights he knows he's more stressed and prone to being restless we sleep separately so I can get a full night's rest. That's a decision we talked through together. And on nights I'm really worried he might have a flight episode I stay with him. But to break up without talking through options seems really cruel and selfish. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  January 15

  I think it’s valid to feel afraid, but I’d want to know if he’s still in therapy, if there are other ways trauma manifests that makes you feel afraid, and whether there is any violence. I can’t tell from the letter if LW is annoyed they’re being woken up or if there’s a legit fear something could happen. 

  
  

  Instead of just walking out talk to him- what would make him feel secure, what makes you feel safe. Is separate bedrooms occasionally an option? 

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• banana468 member

  

  January 15

  charlotte989875 said:

  I think it’s valid to feel afraid, but I’d want to know if he’s still in therapy, if there are other ways trauma manifests that makes you feel afraid, and whether there is any violence. I can’t tell from the letter if LW is annoyed they’re being woken up or if there’s a legit fear something could happen. 

  
  

  Instead of just walking out talk to him- what would make him feel secure, what makes you feel safe. Is separate bedrooms occasionally an option? 

  And...what would you expect him to do if the shoe was on the other foot?
  
  I know my grandfather was in WWII and I only found out about 18 mo ago after my mom read The Women at my recommendation (and it's SO GOOD but not an easy happy read) that my grandfather had night terrors until he died.  They married before he went to war and PTSD wasn't exactly treated in our Greatest generation.  And 20 years ago my mom was violently assaulted in her classroom after hours by a person who raped two women in the local area her age.  I didn't ask her about her sleep habits but man, it would have been awful if my father left because life got hard because she was a victim of a brutal assault.  Loving someone and making a commitment to them doesn't mean bailing - especially when they're unconscious. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  January 15

  banana468 said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  I think it’s valid to feel afraid, but I’d want to know if he’s still in therapy, if there are other ways trauma manifests that makes you feel afraid, and whether there is any violence. I can’t tell from the letter if LW is annoyed they’re being woken up or if there’s a legit fear something could happen. 

  
  

  Instead of just walking out talk to him- what would make him feel secure, what makes you feel safe. Is separate bedrooms occasionally an option? 

  And...what would you expect him to do if the shoe was on the other foot?
  
  I know my grandfather was in WWII and I only found out about 18 mo ago after my mom read The Women at my recommendation (and it's SO GOOD but not an easy happy read) that my grandfather had night terrors until he died.  They married before he went to war and PTSD wasn't exactly treated in our Greatest generation.  And 20 years ago my mom was violently assaulted in her classroom after hours by a person who raped two women in the local area her age.  I didn't ask her about her sleep habits but man, it would have been awful if my father left because life got hard because she was a victim of a brutal assault.  Loving someone and making a commitment to them doesn't mean bailing - especially when they're unconscious. 

  I would expect him to do the same thing- evaluate for himself if there is an actual safety concern he has and what measures they can or should take to alleviate them. And if they can’t- I don’t think someone, anyone, should be shamed for saying they’re not cut out to handle sleeping in fear every night. 

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• banana468 member

  

  January 15

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  I think it’s valid to feel afraid, but I’d want to know if he’s still in therapy, if there are other ways trauma manifests that makes you feel afraid, and whether there is any violence. I can’t tell from the letter if LW is annoyed they’re being woken up or if there’s a legit fear something could happen. 

  
  

  Instead of just walking out talk to him- what would make him feel secure, what makes you feel safe. Is separate bedrooms occasionally an option? 

  And...what would you expect him to do if the shoe was on the other foot?
  
  I know my grandfather was in WWII and I only found out about 18 mo ago after my mom read The Women at my recommendation (and it's SO GOOD but not an easy happy read) that my grandfather had night terrors until he died.  They married before he went to war and PTSD wasn't exactly treated in our Greatest generation.  And 20 years ago my mom was violently assaulted in her classroom after hours by a person who raped two women in the local area her age.  I didn't ask her about her sleep habits but man, it would have been awful if my father left because life got hard because she was a victim of a brutal assault.  Loving someone and making a commitment to them doesn't mean bailing - especially when they're unconscious. 

  I would expect him to do the same thing- evaluate for himself if there is an actual safety concern he has and what measures they can or should take to alleviate them. And if they can’t- I don’t think someone, anyone, should be shamed for saying they’re not cut out to handle sleeping in fear every night. 

  Yes I get that.  I realize my response was to you but it was really to the LW.  Ideally there are options here so sleeping in fear isn't the only course of action. 

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• CharmedPam member

  

  January 15

  That’s your only issue LW? I’ll legit take him off your hands if night terrors is the only thing. 

  
  

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