I told you so

Casadena · January 15

Dear Prudence,

Growing up, my grandfather had dementia. He died from another cause, but I was well aware of his dementia symptoms and how they progressed. About five years ago, I started noticing some of the same traits in my (widowed) mother-in-law. I have a three-stall garage, and we previously asked my MIL to park in front of the third stall when she visits. Five years ago, I bought a full-sized pickup and then wanted her to park in front of the middle stall. She will park in front of the wrong stall 80 percent of the time and say “she forgot” that we asked her to park in a different spot. This happens even when we know she is coming and remind her.

There are other issues, like she will call three of her four kids to tell them to come over for supper (or whatever) and forget to tell the fourth and then say she was sure she called all of them. Several times, she has shown up at the wrong place and then calls wondering where everybody is. I mentioned these changes to my wife, and she finally agreed with me and talked to her siblings a few years ago. But they rejected the idea that something was wrong. It was just “senior moments,” because she passed the basic memory tests during her annual physical.

Well, earlier this year, the siblings finally admitted something might be wrong, when my MIL downsized to a smaller house and would walk up to the post office and several times couldn’t find her way back to her new place. They did some more involved tests and yes, she has a form of dementia. The siblings and my MIL had a family meeting and discussed what needed to be done.

I was very surprised when they walked into the room where I was watching TV and handed me a sheet with my MIL’s doctor appointments. I asked “what is this?” and I was told because I was retired (the only sibling/in-law who is) that I would have the time to take her to them. I told them no, that even though I am retired, I am busy and don’t have time. Plus, if they had listened to me five years ago, we might not be even be having this discussion because she missed out on those years of treatment.

Well, my in-laws are pissed because of my “attitude”! Thankfully my wife agrees with me that it really isn’t my problem, but she suggested that I make a calendar with each sibling taking a turn escorting their mom to appointments. I don’t know … am I a bad person for not wanting to do any of this?

—I Warned Them, and Now They Want Me to Do All the Work

charlotte989875 · January 15

You’re kind of being an ass. Yes you were right, yes, you’re not required to help, but really it sounds like you’re looking for everyone to acknowledge how right you were and how much more observant you were than everyone else.

Cool, but you know what the actual point is- they’re dealing with a scary diagnosis with their mother. They were 100% wrong to tell you what you were doing. It should have been a conversation you and your wife had alone, but also you’re showing a real lack of empathy for what they’re going through.

banana468 · January 15

How about SHE make the calendar getting everyone to help??

MyNameIsNot · January 15

This letter is so weird. Like LW could have skipped the whole back story and said W's siblings were insisting that since they're retired, they should be responsible for all of MIL's doc visits, and then wife wants them to make a calendar to get siblings involved and everyone would have been on their side.

Going into the whole backstory of how they were right seems like trying too hard to get Prudie on their side. Plus some of the examples are a little thin. Like maybe she's parking wherever she likes because she thinks you're being precious about it? Or if I had a dollar for every time my mom told me something 3 times and never told my sister, I'd be retired.

I told you so

Re: I told you so

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