Dear Prudence,
I am a middle-aged man who has happily been a regular at a small, locally owned gym for nearly 10 years now. It has become a third space for me, and there is a strong feeling of community there. A few months ago, a young woman began patronizing the gym, and because of her, I am now banned from the gym temporarily, and maybe forever!
Initially, she stood out to me because of her many tattoos and barely-there outfit choices—she consistently wore skin-tight sports bras and short shorts in flamboyant colors with nothing else over them. I never ogled her—I am married, for what it’s worth, and genuinely wasn’t interested—but I would inevitably glance at her from time to time due to the nature of her outfits as well as her lifting form, which was not the best. Prudie, I’m no powerlifter, but I’m no stranger to lifting or the seriousness of the injuries that can occur from lifting regularly with poor form.
One day, after noticing her squat form, I couldn’t help but intervene. I gave her some tips and a brief demonstration and told her that I just wanted her to avoid injury. She didn’t seem put off at the moment, but the next time I was there, one of the owners pulled me aside and told me that a “female patron” had complained that I was sexually harassing her. I was taken aback and asked if it was because of this interaction, and I was told that, for confidentiality reasons, they couldn’t confirm who complained about me. They said that they take these matters very seriously and banned me from the gym for a month! I am gutted and sure that it was her who complained—I rarely talk to any other women there and have never had any issues. I wrote a respectful but firm email explaining my side of the story, only to be told that if there are any other complaints when I return, this could be a permanent ban. Some other regulars at the gym have reached out to me sympathetically and have spoken up in my defense, and one of them found out something that I believe is a factor here: Apparently, this woman is one of the owner’s nieces and was given a free membership, which is why she was there in the first place.
I am angry and genuinely anxious about going back. I am concerned that no matter what I do, there will be a target on my back, and that anything I do might be misconstrued by her as harassment, even if it’s just incidental eye contact. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells at the gym, but this is an important community to me, and the thought of just giving it up because of this saddens me and makes me a little resentful. Should I try to make my case again that this is a misunderstanding, or would that make it worse? Should I attach a body camera to myself as evidence that I’m not harassing anyone during my workouts? Should I just give it up and go somewhere else before this escalates?