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Early Thursday

charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
in Wedding Woes
How’s everyone today? 

I have my own Dear Prudie question if you all can weigh in. 

H struggles with communication. A lot. When he’s tired/something is going on he shuts down. One word answers, short. In his own head. We’ve talked forever about this, he was seeing a therapist for a while and it was helping but when he switched jobs he stopped. He said he would start back again but he hasn’t. 

He lets things bottle up to the point he stays up all night thinking about things then if I ask if he’s all right it’s just “no” and I have to ask multiple questions to get him to talk- then he lists out tons of things that are stressing him out. 

I don’t know what my question is besides- what now? I’ve gently asked about therapy again, but I hate this. The kids notice he’s in a bad mood and that he’s on edge. We talk him modeling how to talk and manage emotions with him- he just can’t do it himself. I’m in my own therapy to deal with my stuff so it doesn’t impact the boys, and I’m so exhausted managing his (lack of managing) emotions. Any thoughts? Thanks friends! 
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Re: Early Thursday

  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd maybe start with the sleep? My brother had been living with us for a while until recently and he has some mental illness. All of it gets exacerbated by the sleep issue, and here it seems like a self-perpetuating cycle - he's tired, so he stresses, but he does it when he should be sleeping, so he's more tired. See if you can get him to seek help for increasing his ability to sleep (which should also help his overall health) and then maybe the therapy can follow.

    Or you can suggest therapy again as the outlet that prevents him from having to bottle it in and will let him sleep. Was that better when he was in therapy? If you can frame it as "this is how it will help you," (if "this is what you need to do to be sustainable for the rest of us" isn't motivational enough), that might give him a more compelling reason to take action on it.
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  • knottie60a32ce53648a659knottie60a32ce53648a659 member
    First Comment
    I’m up way too early too, so I’m calling it a win if I get one thing done before the day properly starts. Hope your Thursday feels manageable and you get a little breather later.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    *Hugs* @charlotte989875 This is kind of me and H too. H has also really been struggling with his MH lately. He admits he needs to go back to therapy but hasn't made any moves to schedule. It's hard being the "even keeled" one, and I'm sure it's 1000x harder with kids. Could he maybe start a bullet point type journal? Something short, prompts at the end (or beginning, if that works better) of the day with things like "I feel _____ . I did a good job at ____ today. One thing I'd like to do different tomorrow is ____. One positive thing about today is ____" I had a journal like that which helped me get back on track when I was struggling. It did get a little repetitive because the questions never rotated, but it did help me move forward.

    Looks like today will be busy. I have a feeling we're going to get decimated today because yesterday was way too chill for a day during flu season. They're all going to come today and tomorrow. Otherwise, SSDD. Trying to decide if my elbow is okay for a workout or if I should give it one more day off. I (slept on it wrong? just had the audacity to be in my late 30s? who knows) and it bothered me all day yesterday. 


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's ROUGH sometimes with guys.  I feel like there's still an issue especially with Gen X and Millennials that do not do well with addressing feelings.   Only now is DH better about it and he's been actively in therapy for a few years.

    Things that are ROUGH for him
    -The unpredictability and constant neediness of kids.  They are WONDERFUL but when they are VERY young there's no independence and consequently no escape as a parent.  If they are awake, they need you and there's not a lot of "go do that thing' you can do to have a moment to yourself.  That can be super taxing emotionally.  DH would be in the basement a lot and he needed it but he definitely did not understand that it was to the detriment of our relationship.  

    -He needs sleep.  Now the sleep just sucks and he's been sick but a schedule is really really required.

    Recently I snapped at him when he was grumpy and I was really frustrated at how he treated the kids.  I point blank told him I have thick skin and can take what he dishes out but they're young and deserve way better than what he just handed them and he owes them an apology.  Hard for your littles to get when I'm only just starting to expect mine to.  

    He's a moody dude.  The best thing I can say is give him space, encourage therapy and when he's not acting like a pressure cooker, talk to him citing legit examples of what is an issue. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you all! H struggles with a lot of the same things @banana468 and also feeling like we’re not getting enough done around the house, that it’s takes so many times to get the kids to do something (like eat their dinner, put on their shoes) and I can see him getting frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel for him because it’s so hard- and also I’m super annoyed because I’m working on managing my own emotions, helping the boys learn how to do it, and he’s over here not doing any of it. 

    Maybe it is time for another gentle nudge to get back to therapy. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    @charlotte989875 and @banana468 you are not alone in these issues for sure. My H is so similar and has the added issue of totally blowing up when things get bottled for too long or he's too overwhelmed. He's been in therapy for awhile and i think it's helped a bit with the extreme overreactions. But he's nowhere near what I would consider acceptable. It's exhausting to manage the kids, my own and also his emotions in annoying and frustrating times (which is pretty much always with small kids). 

    Conversations about how to handle specific issues when we're calm and not "activated" help to map out how to react to things. 

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Casadena said:
    @charlotte989875 and @banana468 you are not alone in these issues for sure. My H is so similar and has the added issue of totally blowing up when things get bottled for too long or he's too overwhelmed. He's been in therapy for awhile and i think it's helped a bit with the extreme overreactions. But he's nowhere near what I would consider acceptable. It's exhausting to manage the kids, my own and also his emotions in annoying and frustrating times (which is pretty much always with small kids). 

    Conversations about how to handle specific issues when we're calm and not "activated" help to map out how to react to things. 

    This is him exactly. He used to snap at me mostly, but some with the boys, a ton when it got too bottled up. He went to therapy and worked on that. But now he’s sullen and moody and shutting down and I still don’t think that’s acceptable either. 
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  • knottie60a32ce53648a659knottie60a32ce53648a659 member
    First Comment
    I’m up way too early too, so I’m calling it a win if I get one thing done before the day properly starts. Hope your Thursday feels manageable and you get a little breather later.
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