Wedding Woes

Burglars in the garage

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s 79-year-old mother, “Elena,” moved in just over a year ago due to mobility issues, but it’s her psychological health that has me truly concerned. Elena has become increasingly paranoid, particularly because she believes people are sneaking into the garage every night to supposedly draw “faces” on the concrete. In reality, there are just stains built up over the years from living—I can even recall how a good number of them came to be.

We have a refrigerator in the garage as well, and last month, my MIL claimed that “they” are not only drawing faces on the garage floor, but poisoning the food in the refrigerator.  She refuses to eat anything that has been left in there instead of being stored in the one in our kitchen. I pointed out to Elena that if the food were truly poisoned, my husband and I would have been dead long ago since we ate it. Her rationalization is that it doesn’t affect us because we are “young” (I don’t consider late 40s “young,” but I’ll take the compliment).

My attempts to get my husband to insist that his mother go in for a dementia screening have been dismissed. According to him, she’s always been a bit on the paranoid side. She’s really beginning to drive me crazy and is now insisting we call the police on a daily basis to have them “investigate.” Is there anything I can do here, or am I stuck suffering?

—Paranoid Mother-in-Law

Re: Burglars in the garage

  • It's clear this is manifesting itself not just in paranoia but in hallucinations.  

    This is line in the sand time to the H: He isn't a physician to dismiss this and furthermore, this is an issue now in terms of how you're living in your home.  The time to have her evaluated for dementia and potential cognitive issues is now because you are watching that these issues have worsened over time.  At best: your H is right and this is not a sign of mental decline in age.   If he's wrong: she's diagnosed and you can consult with a doctor specializing in geriatric issues along with the steps you should take having her in your home up to and including when she should be in a stronger care facility.

    If he says absolutely not, I'd tell him you're going to consult with two professionals first: 
    1) The geriatric physician and see if there's any potential based on your observations where he'd actually want to see your MIL for a vist.
    2) An attorney.  Because there's no marriage that exists where you are in charge of the care of another human's parent and your partner is not on your side. 
  • This is very likely dementia, but could reflect other health conditions as well, including very easily treatable ones like a B12 deficiency or a thyroid issue. I have even had a case where I was sure it was dementia, but in going through the normal workup to rule it out, a brain tumor was discovered and had indeed been exacerbating the paranoia and hallucinations. But this is a husband problem. He cannot expect you (or his mother) to keep living like this. Not only is it terrible for the two of you, but how terrible for her to be living in a state of panic all the time. It's cruel to avoid seeking help and can even be abusive. 


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  • This is a husband problem. Getting appropriate medical intervention would be condition #1 of having an elderly parent live with us. He's in denial, but he's going to have to get over it. This is ultimatum time for me, either we have her evaluated or she relocates to a retirement home. 
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