Dear Prudence,
Some years ago, my husband confessed he was gay after I found his secret porn folder on our shared computer. We both came from conservative and religious backgrounds, and I truly believed that our vows meant something. I didn’t want a divorce then—but now we are both retired, and I wonder if I do. My husband has had long–term affairs with men while I looked the other way. We have six children and over a dozen grandchildren now. Several are queer and one is trans. My husband and I love and accept them, but we kept his orientation secret. My husband doesn’t think it is anyone’s business what he does, not even me. We lived as roommates for the majority of our marriage and without the common concerns of raising our children, it feels like inertia is now the only thing holding us together.
I am lonely. I tried to bring up the idea of me finding a companion of my own because I still have sexual desires, and my husband freaked out. He has needs that I can’t essentially fulfill, but I am still his wife. He can’t imagine me with another man. I was a stay-at-home mom and a part-time teacher. To be blunt, I can’t afford to leave and am terrified of being a burden on my children. And I don’t know how they would react. My husband is a devoted father and grandfather. I don’t want to taint that in my family’s eyes or make them think our marriage was a lie.
There were a lot of good years, and my husband never wavered during my two bouts with cancer. I still love him, but part of me resents him for having his cake and leaving me with crumbs. Is there any hope?
—Lost and Lonely