Dear Prudence,
My ex and I never had kids together, but we each brought two kids to the table. I tried to be a good stepmother, but my husband refused to handle his two kids beyond trying to appease them at every turn. They both escalated from outright rude and outrageous behavior into straight criminal activities as they hit their late teens. They went from telling adults to shut up and ignoring regular boundaries like cleaning up after themselves, to stealing. In the same year, my then-17-year-old stepson got expelled for stealing from a club he was in, and his 16-year-old sister was put on probation for breaking into a neighbor’s pool house and trashing the place with her friends.
My husband and I went into debt paying to keep them out of jail, only to be rewarded with them heading right back. My stepson was caught joyriding in a stolen car and completely high, while my stepdaughter managed to get her probation revoked in three months by burning down a neighbor’s garage with fireworks and her drunk friends.
I filed for divorce because the only answer my husband gave was that we needed to remortgage the house to pay for another lawyer, and the fact that my elementary school-age kids were suffering from this constant chaos didn’t change a thing. His kids spent several years locked up, and I know they blame me for “letting” it happen. That was 10 years ago.
I did manage to stay friendly with my ex-mother-in-law, “Judy,” and her daughter, “Jamie.” They actually lived with us for several months because Jamie was undergoing experimental trials for cancer, and my new house was near a major medical center. I never brought up my ex or his kids, but learned through a few bitter conversations that neither of them bothered to stay in touch as adults with their grandmother and aunt unless they wanted money. And this was despite both women helping them out after they got out of jail. Jamie had actually arranged for them both to stay with her and give them jobs in her company, and got burned for it.
Both my children loved Judy and treated her like an extra grandmother, and kept in touch with her as they grew up. When Judy unexpectedly died, we were all heartbroken. We didn’t attend the funeral since my ex and his kids were there, and Jamie didn’t think it was wise. I did send flowers and donated to Judy’s favorite charity in her name. I never expected that Judy would leave anything in her will for my kids. Or deliberately leave out her grandkids. I found out when my ex and his daughter left me profanity-laced voicemails, and I was later contacted by Judy’s lawyer.
It is not an insignificant amount of money, and they get access to it when they both turn 20. My kids are 19 and 17, respectively. I would happily tell my ex to stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine if not for Jamie. She never married and took the death of her mom very hard. Her brother and his kids are her only remaining family. And her cancer has come back. Jamie has asked me to convince my kids to give up a large portion of the money to appease my ex and his kids. To be “fair,” but in reality, Jamie is afraid to be alone. I want to continue to support Jamie, but I will not rob my kids of what Judy wanted them to have. Judy was still very active and sharp when she died. My ex got half of the estate along with his sister. This just reads as greed to me. I don’t want to invite my ex or his kids back into our lives. These past 10 years have been bliss compared to the chaos of my marriage. What do I do here?