My husband and I are approaching our one‑year anniversary, and I’m questioning whether he is equally invested in our marriage. We met when I was 31 and he was 54. He is my first partner, while he has had many relationships and has six adult sons. Early on, we discussed boundaries with his exes, but those boundaries haven’t been respected.
A couple of months into dating, his youngest son’s mother called him before he was headed off to work and he acted very weird about it. When I asked about it, he said she ONLY calls their 29-year‑old son, not him, which clearly wasn’t true. He then told me, “She’s not going anywhere—she’ll be here whether I’m with you or not.” I didn’t know how to respond.
Two days after our wedding, he acted single at a family birthday outing—pointing out women he’d pursue if he weren’t with me and focusing on one woman most of the night. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t want to go because those environments “bring him back to his old ways,” then he tried to reassure me by comparing my looks to other women in a way that felt hurtful. Since then, he avoids date nights and social events, saying restaurants, clubs, and even funeral repasts are “too much temptation.” He says this is why he can’t spend time with me in those settings and that we “just need time to get to know each other over time.”
He also told me he had no contact with exes, but they’ve all resurfaced at different points. He has compared my lack of sexual experience to his exes and bragged about how they pleased him. He refuses to communicate about intimacy, saying the other women “just knew,” and I should figure it out myself.
More recently (and unbeknownst to me), he arranged for me to meet with his youngest son’s mother, and she reached out to tell me things he has supposedly said about me. His family and friends have hinted that he may still have feelings for her, though he denies it. She told me she doesn’t want him, but expressed concern that he may have ulterior motives for being with me. When I brought these concerns to him, he focused on being angry that I “listened to her,” rather than addressing or clarifying anything she said.
I’m struggling to understand what the hell I got myself into, and I’m confused on the steps I should take to rectify or end this.