Dear Prudence,
I’m a 43-year-old woman and have been friends with “Jacob” for several years. Lately (the last six months or so), they’ve begun reflecting on their gender identity, coming to realize that they’re nonbinary and that “Jane” (she/they) is a more authentic version of themselves. They aren’t transgender, and still consider “Jacob” to be a valid part of who they are, but they prefer living as Jane as much as possible in their day-to-day life.
I am proud of my friend for choosing to allow this journey to happen, and I’ve witnessed their evolution with love and support. But … you know how people have a certain energy to them? How we “vibe” with people? Jane feels very different to me. We definitely have less in common, and I don’t feel as comfortable around them as I did when they were just Jacob. I find myself making excuses to not hang out lately, and I’ve realized it’s because I just don’t really enjoy hanging out with Jane.
As an ally, I have no problem being present and supporting anyone’s efforts to be who they truly are. I’m one of the few people Jane trusts to be on their side, and I am honored to be there. But, maybe because I have so few people I’d consider close friends to begin with, I’m really having trouble processing this change, and I’m feeling sad that my friend isn’t who they used to be. I don’t know what to say to them to communicate my feelings about how the friendship is changing, without leaving them feeling rejected. I’d appreciate getting your perspective.
—Conflicted