Dear Prudence,
My wife “Claire” and I (both women) are planning our first child. I will be the one carrying the baby due to a history of genetic disease in Claire’s family. We are having a disagreement about choosing a sperm donor. I want my closest male friend, “Luke,” to be the donor. Claire wants to use a sperm bank.
I think Claire’s objections stem mainly from how I met Luke. He is the only man I have ever had sex with, when we briefly dated in high school. I quickly realized I am extremely gay, and Luke supported me in coming out and has been among my best friends ever since. Claire is polite but not friendly to Luke, and seems to have some issues with our friendship. When I hang out with him, she’s constantly texting to ask what I’m doing.
I’m very much the social butterfly type, while Claire doesn’t have a huge social life outside our relationship. She said she doesn’t want someone else to have a “claim” on our child. I’m an only child and Claire is estranged from her conservative family, so I think having Luke in our child’s life as a “fun uncle” type figure would be beneficial. (I should also mention that we live in a state that recognizes second-parent adoption and Luke said he would sign a donor agreement and respect whatever boundaries we wish. He also works in a field that involves near-constant travel, so it’s not like he’d be some overbearing presence.)
Ultimately, I’d rather have my child’s biological father be someone I know and love rather than a stranger who masturbates into a jar for money. Since I’m the one who has to be pregnant for nine months, I feel like it should be my decision, but I don’t want to start off something as important as having a child with a fight. What should I do?
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