Wednesday

ei34 · April 15

How's everyone today?

ei34 · April 15

We're in a random heat wave - I don't like summer weather but I love summer clothes like lightweight dresses, sandals, etc, so I'm really glad that I switched the clothes last week even though it was only 39 degrees that day lol.

Another SSDD at work and another one-thing-after-another for my second shift, whomp. My allergies are giving me a break though, so I'm taking that major win.

CharmedPam · April 15

It was so nice here yesterday. But a bit muggy. Not going to complain. There’s no snow. I can deal. In fact, my tulips are blooming.

SSDD for me. Actually this song lives in my head rent free most days.
https://youtu.be/OhYWNPzBuiM?si=Qywcg__fSBkWKjIs
but since this may be my reality, I should probably shush.

ETA: what are your thoughts on bridal showers/wedding invites with dress codes like “so and so would like to see you in (insert color here)”? I hear it’s a big tik tok trend with wedding theme ideas. Do you follow the bride’s wishes or wear the dress you bought before that came out?

Casadena · April 15

I forgot my allergy meds today and am STRUGGLING. Glad yours are doing alright today @ei34!

Progress continues on the house which is awesome!

G is really getting into karate and piano and it's so fun to see him grinning and feeling good about himself

N is still liking ice skating but quit hockey after 1.5 sessions and i'm so bummed only because he was SO excited about it and I think it just wasn't quite as easy as he thought? He's only 4, so I think a bit young for the persistence and hard work and "we paid so you're going" conversations. It should just be fun at this age. Luckily for beginners they will refund the sessions outside of the very small processing fee.

We're meeting one of my best friends from grad school and his family this weekend - haven't seen him in 7ish years so haven't met each other kids yet (or his wife!). Really looking forward to that, it will be fun to catch up. Also having dinner with a friend on Friday and excited to try the restaurant. It's a pizza/tiki bar? So super fun drinks and really good pizza should be fun. Sunday is wide open and I can't wait. We've been very busy lately!

Long vent about H stuff - just need to get it out, so feel free to skip!
H is really struggling with being overwhelmed with work and house stuff, mental health etc etc and his solution is that he wants to quit his job with nothing lined up so he can pursue a certification and network for a new job in a field he'd prefer. I'm not saying no, but I'm also frankly annoyed AF that he's hated this job for years, hasn't made a huge effort to get out of it and now can't handle the stresses of regular life things. To be fair to him, he does shoulder the majority of question from contractors and disruptions that causes because he mostly works from home (though he does have a very nice office 15 minutes away that he chooses not to go to often) and I don't have the flexibility to do that more than 2 days a week.

However, there is been no preemptive discussion on how this will materially change finances, no acknowledgement that this will be stressful for our family for a period, no attempt to assuage any of hesitations, no timeline or backup plan has been discussed in detail etc. He hasn't talked about how he'll explain an employment gap, or even talked about the availability or salary of the jobs that he's interested in. Then gets mad when i ask a these types of questions claiming he "thought I supported this". Like, I do support making a huge change and if that's leaving your job fine - but I want to talk through the angles and changes it will require and it will take more than complaining about your job and a loose plan for your time off to really get me comfortable with it. And i feel like at least attempting to get your spouse comfortable with a major life change is the right thing to do?

Then he gets pouty and does "well fine, i guess i'll just stay here at the job" or "you're right, i clearly haven't though it through".

I have so much empathy for being in a job you hate and the stress and depression that comes with it, i've been there. But we also have a family, a house under construction, a car that needs to be replaced, and goals that may need to be adjusted - so more discussion is necessary in my opinon. I will be discussing all this with my therapist on Friday but omg i'm about to pull my hair out.

CharmedPam · April 15

Oof @Casadena. This has been going on for years! I heard you mention this even over a year ago. So it hasn’t just crept up that he’s been feeling like this. He just didn’t want to make the effort. Do you have the guarantee he’ll make the effort if he was unemployed?

I’d stand firm on “quit when you find something” or even do a “you need an in between job at the very least”. Because you do have responsibilities!

Also, I’m glad hockey refunds sessions not used because how does a 4 year old even know? Lol

levioosa · April 15

*hugs* @Casadena (and everyone else feel free to skip too because this is long) I know this has been an ongoing struggle. We are currently still in the middle of this. H was miserable and over stretched at work for years. I tried to get him to look for somewhere else (also for years which was extremely frustrating for me) but he was in denial and also buying into the carrots they kept dangling. Eventually he started having panic attacks daily and had to go on a mental health leave and then when temp disability expired he ended up quitting and never going back since they wouldn’t help move him to a different department without the punishment of an unnecessarily huge pay cut and increased commuting. He finished school during the past two years but now we are going on year two without employment and he’s spiraling again because he’s not totally sure what direction to pursue, interviews for places he’s applied to are scarce or just not happening, and politically he is feeling absolutely paralyzed and overwhelmed (I’m doing a little better because this is all stuff I said would happen in 2016 and he was an optimist about structures that just have simply failed). Mentally he is not doing well to the point where even at home now he’s struggling to accomplish tasks (this wasn’t a problem before). We have talked about him starting therapy again but he is so stressed about the cost and it’s true, we don’t have the money for it since he isn’t working and my income pushes us out of “hardship brackets.” We’ve also discussed starting him back on medication and he’s open to that.

But I just wanted to share that to share the experience that unless there’s a plan and frank honest discussions without ego or sarcasm (and importantly a plan for mental health recovery), quitting doesn’t necessarily mean things will improve, and even with a plan things won’t necessarily turn around the way you’d hoped. The demons you had at work follow you home. The final push for me to go to therapy was his burnout and stepping back from work because I didn’t want to torch our marriage with resentment and become my parents (because I too was also annoyed AF that it got to that point instead of listening to me urging him to take another job for years). I don’t resent him (yet—and I don’t say that with malice, just knowledge that I can’t predict the future). But we had really hard conversations about what him taking a break would mean both financially, mentally, and for our timelines and goals. Finishing school was a firm boundary for me and he did that. He’s applying to jobs even though he still feels unsure about what direction he wants to take, another firm boundary of mine, and it’s not his fault the economy is absolute shit. He had a pretty bad interview for his dream job a few months ago because he had a panic attack right before it and that tanked his confidence again. We’ve talked about moving forward and we have a timeline for certain things in place. In the meantime I started a new job and am working extra hours as per diem to support us the best I can but I won’t say it’s easy. We also don’t have kids and that adds a whole other element for you. You are absolutely not wrong to place a firm boundary on “I’m not disagreeing but this is not being approached as a team decision and we are a team. We have big questions and timelines to discuss, and I’m not an enemy or against you, but having these discussions is an important piece of supporting you and supporting the health of us as partners.” If he won’t have the discussion, won’t go to therapy, won’t take medication or do steps to make sure he’s having some sort of growth and healing that doesn’t just mean throwing himself off a cliff financially and mentally without a parachute, then thats a red flag. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I totally understand and it’s not a black and white situation.

levioosa · April 15

SSDD today. I’m debating Pilates or just a cardio day. The good news is the gym near me is pretty open as far as reservations go so I’m going to decide closer to the end of the day. I forgot my oatmeal at home and I’m bummed about it. But that is small potatoes as far as stresses go.

H is seeing his parents today. He is going to be a mess when I get home, I’m sure. His sister was spiraling on Saturday because things are getting really bad with their mom and their dad is starting to have a hard time caring for her. Once again all conversations I’ve tried to have for years and now it’s starting to come to a head. Aging sucks and dementia sucks.

My parents are on a cruise together and my mom is sending me pictures and they look the happiest they’ve been in a long time. Trying to get over the video she sent me of them dancing in the club to Rhianna’s S&M song which was both horrifying as their child but also sweet and hilarious. I bet they didn’t even listen to the lyrics.

banana468 · April 15

Greetings!

It's been a busy week work wise but the weather right now is GORGEOUS and I swear I feel like just watching the trees outside is time lapsed photography as some of the buds seem more open now than they did this morning.

We had a BIG talking to with Chiquita over the weekend and she "discovered" that the work she thought she did wasn't done. Point blank: she knows that she needs a solution to her disorganization AND her credibility with us is shot. It's a good week to finish work, clean a room, and understand that she has a lot of work to do.

Casadena · April 15

quitting doesn’t necessarily mean things will improve, and even with a plan things won’t necessarily turn around the way you’d hoped.

This is one of my biggest fears. I get that he is stressed and behind and his performance is suffering. AND just because you don't have that stress anymore doesn't mean you'll automatically feel better and be more motivated in another job.

Thank you all for listening to my venting about this.

VarunaTT · April 15

Oof, ladies. I feel your pain. TBH, I'm glad you're both taking the steps you are. Ex-H's employment and mental health issues, and his refusal to do anything about both, were major parts of our divorce b/c I was done with all of it and being pulled down with it and moving into enabling vs. supporting. He was more than happy to point out my periods of unemployment; when I would point out I was being paid with unemployment and always actively seeking new employment as well as hustling side jobs even through the hardships of being let go, he would get huffy with me.

Filed my taxes. I owe this year; I knew I would, but I made major financial decisions to help me moving forward that made me owe income tax. I've been meeting my financial goals since then except 1, but that one was pushed b/c of the costs of moving unexpectedly. I'll meet it next year and hopefully be in even better shape.

Otherwise, SSDD. Trying to plan seeing Project Hail Mary this weekend. I've read the book and I'm excited to see it. I just know I'm going to cry a lot (I did in the book) and I needed to prepare myself for that.

Casadena · April 15

CharmedPam said:

It was so nice here yesterday. But a bit muggy. Not going to complain. There’s no snow. I can deal. In fact, my tulips are blooming.
SSDD for me. Actually this song lives in my head rent free most days.
https://youtu.be/OhYWNPzBuiM?si=Qywcg__fSBkWKjIs
but since this may be my reality, I should probably shush.
ETA: what are your thoughts on bridal showers/wedding invites with dress codes like “so and so would like to see you in (insert color here)”? I hear it’s a big tik tok trend with wedding theme ideas. Do you follow the bride’s wishes or wear the dress you bought before that came out?

I would laugh out loud and then wear whatever TF i wanted. SIL just got engaged and I'm already dreading bachelorette party BS and shower drama.

ei34 · April 15

*hugs* your way @Casadena (and you too @levioosa!). Without trying to generalize, I feel like women are better at coping with crummy situations, say at work, whereas men struggle to the point of quitting (or constantly threatening to quit). It's a huge stress on you. I'm all for taking time to try and find a more fulfilling career, but, maybe it's the tough love way my parents raised me, I'd do that while still working. (Even if it's some sort of holdover position. He's half of the team paying your household bills, that wouldn't be fair to your family.) You have been so patient with him for years and I am glad you have therapy on Friday, but I feel bad that this is something you deal with on a regular basis. You have enough stress as it is.

@levioosa I snort-laughed at the thought of my own parents sending that kind of video from a cruise ship...glad they're enjoying / sorry for the shock you must have had watching that

ILoveBeachMusic · April 16

CharmedPam said:

It was so nice here yesterday. But a bit muggy. Not going to complain. There’s no snow. I can deal. In fact, my tulips are blooming.
SSDD for me. Actually this song lives in my head rent free most days.
https://youtu.be/OhYWNPzBuiM?si=Qywcg__fSBkWKjIs
but since this may be my reality, I should probably shush.
ETA: what are your thoughts on bridal showers/wedding invites with dress codes like “so and so would like to see you in (insert color here)”? I hear it’s a big tik tok trend with wedding theme ideas. Do you follow the bride’s wishes or wear the dress you bought before that came out?

Seriously, attire instructions for showers. I wouldn't do it unless it was a color I normally wear and already have in my closet. Even then, I would be salty. It is bad enough brides think they can dictate what to wear at weddings!

ILoveBeachMusic · April 16

Things are going pretty well. I'm having less pain each day along with cutting back on pain meds. I'm starting to go stir crazy though. I'm not use to just sitting around the house not doing anything. I do walk around our cul de sac a few times a day but until I get my stamina back I can't do much more. I hope to be able to go walk around the gym at the Y at some point but not yet. I can't do treadmill or elliptical until at least 6 weeks post-op according to the PT. I'm also trying not to eat too much since I'm not moving. I really don't want to gain back the weight I had lost pre-op!

I'm so sorry y'all are going through this @Casadena. I have no words of wisdom but hope you come to some kind of plan/agreement. You've got a lot of responsibilities to take care of and hope your H realizes a plan is needed.

banana468 · April 16

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CharmedPam said:

It was so nice here yesterday. But a bit muggy. Not going to complain. There’s no snow. I can deal. In fact, my tulips are blooming.
SSDD for me. Actually this song lives in my head rent free most days.
https://youtu.be/OhYWNPzBuiM?si=Qywcg__fSBkWKjIs
but since this may be my reality, I should probably shush.
ETA: what are your thoughts on bridal showers/wedding invites with dress codes like “so and so would like to see you in (insert color here)”? I hear it’s a big tik tok trend with wedding theme ideas. Do you follow the bride’s wishes or wear the dress you bought before that came out?

Seriously, attire instructions for showers. I wouldn't do it unless it was a color I normally wear and already have in my closet. Even then, I would be salty. It is bad enough brides think they can dictate what to wear at weddings!

Ditto. Not doing it unless I either really really didn't want the backlash or I was going to wear it anyway. To a shower? Yeah, applies. I might lie and say 'Oh I didn't notice."

Stop with the dress codes!

CharmedPam · April 16

@levioosa that sounds hilarious!

@ILoveBeachMusic fx crossed for a speedy recovery so you can get up and do all the things you do again!
@banana468, I hope things go in the right direction with Chiquita

yes she wanted florals for the shower (I found something for $6 on amazon) and pink or florals again for the wedding day. Ugh! I bought a cheetah print dress awhile ago for this. Maybe add a pink shall/cardigan and pink belt? I dunno! Pink isn’t really my color. I thought that’s why you had wedding colors? To put your bridesmaid's in your colors? Lol

banana468 · April 16

Thanks @CharmedPam! I think (hope) that she realizes that she has to earn back trust and put in way more effort. We've also highlighted that she's turning 16 at the end of the year and will start to look at colleges soon and both will require our financial input. And she needs to prove that what she wants to do is an investment we feel is worth making. I'm not intending to dangle things or move the needle, but she absolutely needs to know that a car and college aren't foregone conclusions and she needs to prove she's earned our financial contributions.

ei34 · April 16

banana468 said:

Thanks @CharmedPam! I think (hope) that she realizes that she has to earn back trust and put in way more effort. We've also highlighted that she's turning 16 at the end of the year and will start to look at colleges soon and both will require our financial input. And she needs to prove that what she wants to do is an investment we feel is worth making. I'm not intending to dangle things or move the needle, but she absolutely needs to know that a car and college aren't foregone conclusions and she needs to prove she's earned our financial contributions.

She'll thank you (some day) for the accountability and I promise all of her teachers are thanking you now - fewer and fewer parents are sitting their kids down these days for tough conversations. I'm all for loving my kids to the moon and back but they're getting older. They don't like the middle school version of CTJ talks I give them, but they have to understand what's expected of them (and what the consequences will be if they're not getting xyz done).

ILoveBeachMusic · April 17

Thanks @CharmedPam. I will get there.

This is such a difficult age @banana468. Our sons made my hair go gray at an extremely fast rate. DS1 fortunately turned around by the end of his sophomore year and he wasn't gunning for top tier schools (other than Notre Dame which wouldn't have been a good fit). DS2 on the other hand, was hit and miss all through high school. We had plenty of CTJ talks with both of them. There were times I didn't think either would get into a college. They both did and are now employed and independent. However, in the moment it is hard to see a good outcome. Both of my boys were diagnosed with ADHD - DS2 was a lot more scattered/unorganized than DS1. Good luck. I know you are doing the best thing for Chiquita and hopefully someday she will appreciate it. DS2 (and DD) have expressed their appreciation to H and me many times.

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