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It takes two...

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I raised my stepdaughter, “Sue,” from the time she was 6 years old and considered her the same as my own daughters, even after I lost my husband. Which is why I can’t get over how she hurt our family.

She had an affair with my daughter’s husband and got pregnant. The baby is 6 months old now. My daughter is trying to make a go of repairing her marriage, mostly for the sake of her two other children. But it has been impossibly hard for her. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but I feel like a simmering pot just about to boil over at any moment. I have seen Sue and her baby a few times and struggle to just not scream at her until I am hoarse.

Sue says she is “sorry” but acts more like she got scolded for stealing sweets rather than trying to steal her sister’s husband! Sue actually thought that he would leave my daughter after she announced her pregnancy. I am the primary caregiver for my daughter’s children, and I know that son-in-law will be fine inflicting Sue’s child on me as much as he will on his wife. I just don’t have that in me. I know the baby is innocent, but the idea of playing Grandma to Sue’s child after what she did makes my stomach turn. I am so glad my husband didn’t live to see what Sue has become. How do I get through this without adding more hurt to my daughter?

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Re: It takes two...

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ugh. This is tough. I feel bad for LW’s daughter most of all. The affair partner is her step sister! How do you avoid that? no advice for LW but to just stay out of it. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW - there's a lot to unpack here.

    Flat out -Sue is clearly at fault for having an affair with a married man, but so is your SIL.

    And somewhere in here and in your phrasing it's clear Sue needs a lot of therapy and love.  Your own wording is incongruous and it has to be something she feels.  It isn't possible for you to consider her the same as your own daughters (your words) and then say that playing grandma to an innocent child makes your stomach turn.  And clearly, if that innocent kid starts to feel the same as its mother, it's now part of a rather vicious cycle.

    It in no way excuses behavior, but I think you also need to look closely at the situation that may also be going on with Sue and figure out why this was a direction she went in. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think you need to be asking your daughter why she would even consider forgiving this douche and letting him back into her life. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    MyNameIsNot said:
    I think you need to be asking your daughter why she would even consider forgiving this douche and letting him back into her life. 
    I wanted to say this too. So many people think they can work things our, but long term, I don’t see it working

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