Dear Prudence,
Last year, my husband came home from a routine doctor’s appointment and told me that he had been diagnosed with a terminal neurological disease, with about four years to live.
I was shattered, heartbroken, depressed. We have two young daughters, and my mind immediately went to them. I couldn’t stand them having this burden.
Here’s the thing, though. My husband and I aren’t close. I’m a stay-at-home mom for my youngest daughter, who has nonverbal autism; he’s in tech and is hardly home. Over our 11-year marriage, I’ve caught him cheating multiple times, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I have had two affairs myself. It feels more like we are roommates than husband and wife.
About two weeks before he dropped the news, I sat down with him and let him know that I was going to start a divorce. My father died last year and left enough money for me to provide for my youngest daughter. Although he isn’t a very good father, I’d be fine giving him custody of our older p-year-old daughter, who likes him more than me. I obviously canceled the divorce proceedings as soon as we got the news. I read all of these things about being a caregiver and staying strong; I decided that I would just weather this relationship for the next couple of years.
However, now it’s been six months, and I have my suspicions about his “diagnosis.” He hasn’t gone to the doctor since he was diagnosed, and I haven’t noticed any symptoms. He’s talked about the tremors he’s started to get in his hands, but I haven’t seen them. I dismissed it as just being paranoid, until I recently had occasion to look into our finances. There is no trace—anywhere—of this appointment that supposedly turned our lives upside-down. Is my husband faking a chronic illness to keep us together? How can I tell? If he is, do I still stay? If he isn’t, do I jump ship?