The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve

wuchea · March 2013

Some background: I am Catholic, and my groom is not. Nevertheless, knowing that a Catholic ceremony is important to me, he agreed to it. I always knew that one of this groomsmen would be a girl who is a good friend of his. I never once imagined this would be a big deal, as my sister also had a Catholic wedding, and her husband had a woman stand up with him. Well, apparently my church (or maybe my diocese, it was unclear to me) has a rule that wedding parties must be male on the groom's side and female on the bride's side, and there must be equal numbers. I have never heard this gender rule, despite having been to many Catholic weddings and having been raised Catholic. My mom was surprised as well.

Understandably, my groom was upset by this. What I didn't know is that he had already asked his gal pal to be his best man! The wedding coordinator at the church was pretty firm on the rule when he asked about it, saying that there was a great deal of symbolism involved, and that his friend would have to stand with me.

Personally, I think this is a stupid rule, but I can't see them bending on it. For the 40 or so minutes during the ceremony, she'll stand with my bridesmaids, and we'll have to come up with an additional groomsman. However, where we don't currently agree is how she should be styled. My initial plan (when she was going to be on his side) was to put her in a bridesmaid's dress in the same color as the suits, with a wrist corsage to match the men's boutonnieres. Now, however, I don't want her to stand out with a different color or dress, because I think it will be distracting (and maybe even make her look like the maid of honor). I think the best idea is to dress her like a bridesmaid, bouquet and all. My groom, however, is very against that idea. He doesn't want her to look like a bridesmaid because she is there for him.

(If you're getting the idea that my groom is opinionated and has a definite wedding "vision", you'd be right. Heaven help me.)

Has anyone ever encountered this strange situation before? I guess I'm looking for ideas to compromise with, so that he can feel like she's really a groomsman, and I can feel like she's not distracting from the bridesmaids. We have lots of time (wedding date isn't until October 2014), but I want to start gathering ideas now.

MoonlightSilver · March 2013

That is really really strange, and I would ask someone higher up the chain for a clarification.

If you MUST have her on your side, I would go with your FI's suggestion of keeping her dressed like she would be on the groom's side. She SHOULD stand out- she is your FI's friend, and only standing on your side by force of the church. People will not spend the whole ceremony staring at her and ignoring you. The only thing I might do is not put her first next to you, so that she doesn't look like a maid of honor. Put her between the other bridesmaids.

jessicabessica · March 2013

I would want more clarification on this, too. Can you ask the coordinator what the symbolism is? You could also post on the Catholic wedding board to see if other ladies on here have encountered this rule.

What does your FI's friend want to wear? I think both you and your FI need to relax a little about it. She won't be distracting if she wears something different from your bridesmaids, and she won't be any less there for your FI if she ends up wearing the same thing as your bridesmaids.

SmallenForever · March 2013

Personally, I don't think it matters which side she stands on. My husband wanted his sister on her side and I wanted my male friend on mine, but we got such a strong reaction from our families, that we went ahead and put all girls on one side, all guys on the other (plus, they were more comfortable with it too). And it didn't matter at all. Your favorite people are still standing up with you; does it really matter which side? If you're dressing all your bridesmaids the same, just ask her to wear the same too if it's that important to you. But, trust me, she won't distract anyone if she's wearing something different.

If she wants to feel like a groomsman, tell him to involve her in all groomsmen activities (i.e. bachlor party, maybe she can get ready with the guys instead, etc). But in the end, it really doesn't matter.

wuchea · March 2013

Yeah, we're going to go back to the wedding coodinator and get more clarification. Honestly, FI's friend has been super great about the whole thing--when he talked to her about it she said she didn't care what she wore or where she stood, and that she would be there to support us in whatever capacity she could. I think I'm just flustered because it's the first major hiccup we've hit, and it's also the first thing we've done re: wedding planning, so it feels like a bad omen!

I should probably stop getting so worked up about it, though.

monkeysip · March 2013

I've heard of churches (not just Catholic) having issues with the gender thing before, but not very often AT ALL.

I can *almost* see why the gender thing might make a difference (only because the bride normally has "maids" and the groom "men"... although I'm in no way saying I think that should be a rule, and I'm a pretty traditional Catholic).

But I don't get the even sides thing at all. That is so weird, and I can't see any possible religious or traditional reason for it. It's weird that you have to find some random person to stand on the groom's side just to make it even. I would ask for more clarification from the coordinator, or talk to the priest. That's just weird.

MairePoppy · March 2013

I've never heard of such a rule.

When I was a member of my Catholic church, there were a few sacrament preparation people who liked to tweak the rules to suit their own personal preferences. Maybe that's what's happening with your wedding coordinator.

I would make an appointment with the pastor or one of the priests to get clarification. If the priest says that's the way it is, then have her stand on your side and let her dress as you originally planned. It won't ruin the look of your wedding.

NYCMercedes · March 2013

Is it possible the coordinator is just exercising her power?

OliveOilsMom · March 2013

I wouldn't ask the wedding coordinator, I would actually ask the priest at your next meeting with him. I was married in a Catholic Church and while we didn't have mixed gender sides, we did have uneven sides. So the last two BMs walked out next to each other, which could be problematic in the church (even if one was a married lady!), but the priest was fine with it.

I think this may be either the wedding coordinator putting her opinions on weddings (especially the even sides part) or the pastor's personal preference he puts on his parish. If she must stand on your side, put her in the same outfit you had planned for her - the black dress with wrist corsage. Also, don't promote a GM, just have one of the GM stand up with FI during the vows. His best woman, stays the best woman. If she wants to give a speech at the reception, let her.

Simply Fated · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-best-man-is-a-lady-and-the-church-does-not-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:991179b9-cdac-4caa-95fa-24a9f48b3dd5Post:6f8c3db6-c502-40df-b969-c5306d8be871">Re: The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that you need to talk to the PRIEST, and if he confirms that this is an unmovable rule, I'd first ask for a biblical explanation and then I'd find a new church. Crap like this is what gives the Catholic Church a bad rep.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Oh heavens, stage, I think this is, like the third time i've agreed with you today. <div>
</div><div>OP, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. I'd bypass the coordinator and ask for an explanation from the priest. A real explanation, not just "it's tradition." Dowries are also tradition and i'm assuming you won't be doing that. </div><div>
</div>

AJuliaNJ · March 2013

Maybe it's because I'm coming from a non-religious background, but I couldn't imagine getting married in a venue that dictates who and how many people can be in my wedding. I would talk to whomever I needed to talk to in order to ensure this is actually the case, and if that didn't work out, I'd find someone who would let me honor my friends in the way I saw as appropriate. I feel that by having her stand on your side, it demotes her. She is not going to be the one standing at your husband's side holding the ring as originally planned. People will not realize she is the best woman; they will think she is a bridesmaid. Of course, that may or may not be important.

MairePoppy · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-best-man-is-a-lady-and-the-church-does-not-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:991179b9-cdac-4caa-95fa-24a9f48b3dd5Post:c499dd6b-ae49-4d41-a0d8-4f6299ef4517">Re: The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, ask the priest. From a minister's wife....The Church Ladies have a habit of taking things upon themselves and pointing where (they think) things go with no other authority than their own.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Exactly and don't leave out the Chuch Men. There were quite a few in my former church, who made life miserable for those of us who questioned their way of doing things.

wuchea · March 2013

Thank you, everyone! I think asking the priest is a good idea. I know that this is more than a self expressed policy, because it is in their wedding policies handbook that we got at our first meeting. However, the priest is super nice, so maybe we will make more headway with him.

Tami87 · March 2013

As a Catholic I am also surprised by this and have never heard of such a rule. Actually I am pretty sure I have seen mixed gender sides at Catholic weddings before. We did not have mixed gender sides but we did have an uneven wedding party and a female usher and our church didn't have a problem with that. The only rule they had about the wedding party was no more than 9 each which I think they considered a logistical issue. I would talk to the priest.

Also in all of the Catholic weddings I have been to the bridesmaids and groomsmen do not stand up front the whole wedding. They are usually are seated in the first row of pews or in our case in chairs just in front of the altar rail. The MOH and BM are usually the only ones up there the whole time and have kneelers off to each each while the bride and groom often have a joint kneeler in the middle. I think you are fine having the groomswoman wear whatever you want if your church forces her to sit/stand on your side. I don't think she has to match the other bridesmaids. Also you can have your wedding party pose for pictures before or after the ceremony however you want so definitely have her on the grooms side then.

Rose4song · March 2013

Interesting connundrum....

A friend of mine had a similar situation, but the opposition was mostly from opinionated family members who strongly valued "tradition." She ended up having the "Best woMan" stand on the Bride's side, but she wore a tux and stood after the MOH. You may find that some involved parties would be okay with this in your situation, or might allow her to stand with the men as long as she wears a matching suit instead of a dress.

Good Luck!

Lisa50 · March 2013

I've never encountered that. My honor attendant in my first wedding -- which took place in a Catholic Church -- was a man.

I think it may be your priest or parish with the issue, not the Church.

crunchymamaof2 · March 2013

If this church is so dead set on "tradition" then why are they allowing a non catholic to marry in their church? Or did your FI convert?

I'd seriously switch churches or venues if this truly is a rule. I would not get married in a place that dictated how I had to choose MY wedding party and MY attendants. But hopefully talking to the priest will get your somewhere. Good luck!

Oh, if this is the rule and you stay, I'd have her stand on your side, next to the MOH but not nex t you, wearing what you originally intended her to wear. I don't think it's distracting- I mean some people hae the MOH wear something different right? The only tricky thing is evening the sides. I mean, you can't just ask a guy to stand up there for the sake of evening sides. Unless she's the only person you've asked, then you can figure it out and just have 1 extra on his side after the ceremony, which isn't a big deal at all IMO. Or do you have a special guy friend that could stand on his side and then they could swap places afterwards?

mrsbobfilson · April 2013

I was born and raised Catholic,I;m surprised they are letting you marry a non catholic to begin with.I would appreciate that fact and not push too hard.

wuchea · April 2013

His religious background wasn't important to them at all. He has not nor does he intend to convert. The only difference it will make is that we will not have a full mass with our wedding ceremony. We had a hiccup because he doesn't have a baptismal certificate, and they are willing to accept pretty much anything in its place. Still, I think our plan going forward will be to talk to the priest and see what happens from there. I love my priest and very much enjoy my parish, so I'm not really willing to change for this reason, frustrating though it is.

NiceGirlNTX · June 2013

If you aren't able to get the rule changed, absolutely include her as your groom's honor attendant in every other possible way. Be sure she's included as such in your program. I would absolutely dress her as you had originally planned so that it's clear she is his attendant. I would also have her carry the ring. She's still his honor attendant, she's just being required to stand on your side of the church. Perhaps your church would be willing to let her enter with the groom's party and then just go to your side? I've seen weddings where the groom's attendants escorted the bride's attendants to the alter. You could do that only have your groom's friend walk by herself up the aisle just before your MOH. Another suggestion...have her carry a small Bible decorated with flowers that coordinate with everyone else's and tie the rings onto ribbons in the flowers (you actually pin loops of ribbon to secure them, not tie the ribbon...easier to provide the rings quickly when it's time).

Jen4948 · June 2013

If the priest upholds the coordinator, I'd consider marrying elsewhere. They should not have this kind of power over your wedding party.

The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve

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